If I Could Only Ask Her
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
Inspired by hearing others speak about their mothers, I was thinking about the things my Mom used to say. You’ve probably heard these before. Maybe, like me, you’ve caught yourself saying them yourself.
Don’t make me stop this car.
Close that door! We don’t live in a barn!
Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Now that I am a mom and love my Mom very much, I wanted to try my hand at translating her words.
I share this because I want to love and understand my Mom. Perhaps this’ll resonate with you too.
I’m overwhelmed and doing the best I can do.
I’m saying the things that others said to me because I think I should.
Those are the only words coming to me when I feel stressed and exhausted.
I’m afraid, vulnerable, and afraid to tell you how I’m feeling and ask for what I need.
I don’t have all the answers and I think I should.
I’m uncomfortable asking for help. I want to trust that my needs matter.
My Mom died 6 years ago. I wish I could ask her if that’s what she meant.
“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” Henry David Thoreau
“The key is to not resist or rebel against emotions or to try to get around them by devising all sorts of tricks; but to accept them directly, as they are.” Takahisa Kora
We can create the space to engage with each other when we are in conflict so we can look through each other’s eyes. When two or more people live together, conflict is inevitable. Sure, some conflict is preventable. Some is not. Why not prepare to engage conflict? We have food in our fridge for times when we feel hungry or ask for a hug when we need closeness. Conflict also needs space and a plan.
Dominic Barter speaks about Restorative Circles (www.restorativecircles.org) a Restorative Justice model developed in Brazil. It’s been a very creative and compassionate way to engage with painful conflict in our family.
Dominic Barter writes:
“It is common for our responses to conflict to be organised around the desire to bring security and healing to those involved, and thus to focus on resolving conflict. This seems obvious only because it is a given for most people that conflict is problematic…Restorative Circles engage non-adversarily with the complex and often intense reactions to what was done. …They then seed new action. One consequence of this is to see conflict not as something that needs to be changed or managed, but as the expression of crucial feedback about personal and communal well being.”
Read the whole Restorative Circles Blog Post by Dominic Barter: Dedicated Spaces for Having Conflict and the video (4 mins, 42 seconds) http://www.restorativecircles.org/dedicated-spaces-for-having-conflict
Conflict is not the problem. Conflict alerts us that we have something very important to fight about. What do we value? What are we drawn to? Translating our words and actions into what’s important for us can help us to move from conflict to taking care of ourselves and our relationships.
Perhaps my mother may have said, “I’m feeling scared when I hear that volume in the car. Safety is important to me. Would you be willing to use a talking voice while we’re driving? Otherwise, I will park this car until I feel safe to go.”
If I had noticed my mother’s pursed lips, I may have asked, “Do you feel overwhelmed by our yelling because you want to drive safely? Hey everyone! Let’s keep our voices down until we get to the park!”
After that, if the conflict remains, I have hope that we can gather to talk about what we were looking for when we did what we did and share how we are about that now.
What space does conflict have in your family?
“Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.” Mother Teresa
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About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation.
Getting Kids to Listen
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
A response to the question: How do I get my children to communicate or to listen to basic requests?
Notice what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought?
Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen. Are you trying to speak without the other’s full attention?
When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s body language. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence.
Merge with your child. Find out what he’s interested in in that moment. When he has your attention, then you can ask for his. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring you. If you need to interrupt, say so. Treat your child as you would like to be treated. For example: “Excuse me, can I get your attention?” Then, ask for what you want while linking it to the needs you want to meet. For example, you might say, “Take out the trash, please.” and it may be heard. Requests are better understood when prefaced with a clear need and connection. Try something like “Remember when we agreed that you’d take out the trash after dinner while I did the dishes?” When you get a nod and smile, ask, “Could you do that now?”
What if you’re not getting the nod and the smile? The child’s attachment to you and the relationship between you and your child may need some attention. Before focusing on the behaviour you don’t enjoy in the moment, first establish good rapport with your child. For example, before talking about the trash, be sure your child is enjoying your company in the moment. We spend much of our day telling our children all the ways they are behaving badly. Begin to spend more time each day enjoying each other’s company, sharing a meal, chatting about what’s important to them, and sharing your stories. I know this gets harder the older the child. However, there is no other way. Your heart already knows how to do this. Forget all the parent training that says that children should do this or that at such and such age. The fastest way to win our children over is through their hearts. They need to depend on us to be there for them and listen to them. They need to know that we will take care of them and our relationship with them. When our kids feel secure, they are likely to help out around the house if that’s what we’re looking for.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation.
Restorative Circles for Families- Part 1
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
I am excited to tell you about how Restorative Circles (RC) have helped our family understand each other and learn from our conflicts more easily. The Restorative System and Process support mutual understanding, self-responsibility, and the co-creation of action steps to restore dignity and relationships with little to no communication skills training.
Within a few days after my 2 day introduction and 3 day facilitator training with Dominic Barter from Brazil, my children and I were able to use the RC process with great success. Even though I had learned about Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org) 6 years ago, Barter’s work made NVC more concrete for me. I especially enjoyed that there are no assumptions that people can communicate. If we could communicate, we’d likely be doing something other than being in conflict.
Dominic Barter draws on his extensive training and experience in Restorative Practices (www.twitter.com/restoracircles and contact@restorativecircles.org) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org). I believe he has managed to develop a simple and effective way for communities and families to experience and learn from painful conflict. Circle participants share how they were impacted by an act. There is an actor, a direct recipient of the act, and a community (e.g., family, friends, social group, neighbours, etc.). All participants dialogue in a personal capacity, no matter what roles people play outside the circle. Circles provide valuable opportunities to hear how others have been impacted and what each person was looking for at the time they chose to say or do what they did.
NVC helps me make sense of what I sense, feel, and need, so that I can make do-able requests of myself and others. I needed another way to transform my conflicts when they came up. I also wanted an easy way to explore conflict without always being “in charge”. That is, the one others look to for what to say and do next. I wanted shared power and responsibility. I found it in Restorative Circles.
I intended on sharing my RC experiences with my family in the spirit of partnership rather than “Mommy is going to tell us what to do to.” My initial intention was to observe conflict in our home and initiate dialogues to examine what we all perceive and how we might create a space for shared power and collaboration. I began thinking about ways to set up a Restorative System at home.
I woke up the first morning after the training and connected with each of my 4 kids after being away. Within an hour, conflict was ignited. My 10 year old daughter placed a cup on the table that tipped and spilled onto her younger sister (4 years). My sons (7 and 2 years) and I saw the act. I stayed focused on the questions that Dominic Barter shared with us in our training: 1) What do you want to say? (ie., What would you, the speaker, like known about how you are now in relation to the event and its consequences?) 2) What did you hear? (asked of the listener) and 3) Is that it? (asked of the speaker). Each speaker decides if he or she was heard in the way they intended.
It was hard to stay focused. Many times I wanted to direct the conversation and then refocused myself on the questions and tracked meaning. I noticed some of us wanted to move to action plans while others wanted mutual understanding. Self-responsibility wove in and out as each person understood why they did what they did. Eventually my discomfort subsided, I noticed a shift in the group energy (led mostly by my 7 year old son) to create an action plan. We did that and we checked in to see if everyone was satisfied with the outcome. We were. Total time was less than 15 minutes. We’ve had several more circles. Most circles take less than 20 minutes. Only one lasted 30 minutes.
Next time, I will share my wonderful shift in consciousness as a mother as a result of using Restorative Circles. You may contact Dominic Barter at: contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
Restorative Circles for Families – Part 2
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
Who doesn’t want parenting to be easier? But what does that mean given intense emotional reactions that spring up seemingly out of the blue and the challenges of everyday family life? Is it even possible for children and adults to share power while we are leaders in our families?
Well, I found out that we can be equally powerful one morning in June. I saw my 2 1/2 year old son carrying my eye glasses and a fork in one hand. I felt livid imagining not being able to use my glasses again and noticed I blamed my son. I stood in the kitchen, witnessed my anger inside, while my oldest children (7 and 10 years) looked at me. Suddenly, I had the idea to request a Restorative Circle (RC). I could see that my ability to hear was diminished by my emotional intensity. That meant that I would need some help being heard. I made this request of my oldest children. To my surprise, both children said “yes”. My 10 year old daughter turned to me and asked, “So, how do we do that?” I said, “Just do what you’ve seen me do over the last couple of days.” I thought, “Not a do-able request, I know…but it was the best I could come up with at the time.” To my surprise again, she replied confidently, “okay.”
My two children eagerly co-facilitated a circle. It looked rather fun for them even though I was still feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t for long. My young children empathized with my feelings, understanding my needs for order and ease. They also gave me space to share how I also saw my son’s needs for fun and my love for him. Holding emotional space for me and him was the challenge for me. Once I received this gift of empathy, I re-connected with my littlest who was cowering in fear. I’m sure it was in reaction to the look of rage on my face earlier when I saw him do what he did. After the circle, hearing how I was, and what my son was likely looking for when he was carrying my glasses and the fork in one hand, we hugged and kissed. Total time: about 10 minutes.
Some days we are unable to do spontaneous circles. Any one of us may be too tired or focused on other things. My family seems to generally trust our needs are important. Even though we can’t always listen in the way that we would like and take a break to regain calm again, we mostly trust that we can work things out together. When we forget, there seems to be someone else, at some point, helping us to remember. I am so grateful for that!
One day, the kids and I were heading out the door when conflict happened. Unable to focus our attention on a circle, my older son grabbed a pen, paper, and wrote his name to request a circle later. He seemed relieved to write this note. Then, he turned to his younger brother with whom he just had the conflict and figured out a way to move forward (i.e., to get out the door). I read the note next morning when I was able to facilitate a circle. When I asked my son about it, he said there was no conflict. He threw out the note.
I trust myself and my kids to value and know how to meet our needs even if we haven’t got a clue in any given moment. Those moments of uncertainty are tough and uncomfortable. I’m learning everyday to feel more comfortable with my discomfort and seeing these feelings in a restorative way.
I’m wondering if you’re wondering, “How this is possible?” If you’re experiencing intense conflict or exhaustion, this experience can seem too unreal to imagine. I advise you to get the rest and help you need before trying this on your own. Sharing power with my kids means that I feel vulnerable to change. I don’t have all the answers. I bring my curiosity and care. I’m often raw and unsure. This is so rich for me as long as I see it as an adventure. As long as I do, I feel powerful, confident, and can acknowledge my children’s power and choice. When I don’t, I get help just like anyone else.
Restorative Circles made my parenting easier because the questions and structure developed by Dominic Barter were easy enough for my eldest children to learn from a couple of 10 minute discussions and watching me over 2 days. We still need lots of practice. I notice more ease to understand myself and my family. I’m not getting stuck on communicating in the “right way” as much as I used to. Instead, checking for the meaning underlying what we do and say has become easier. Rather than trying to fix a situation, even if it’s mine, I know I can witness what’s going on for me, be gentle with myself, ask for help, and trust that all is well. Pain is important and, I dare say necessary, for learning.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
Self-Care vs. Self-Sacrifice
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
Self-care is the opposite of self-sabotage, self-control, and self-sacrifice. To successfully take care of yourself, begin a self-care plan based on your values and personal needs. It’s through determination and focus that you’re going to be able to properly care for your very being.
Self-care isn’t just about brushing your teeth or getting food on the table. Self-care is caring for your inner self, your needs, and your very being. What patterns are we creating when we do not attend to what is important to us? What beliefs are we reinforcing when we justify self-sacrifice?
Why is self-care so important? I believe that when we take care of ourselves, we are better able to care for our families and others. Here’s my example.
I was in the shower the other day when my youngest daughter came in to use the toilet. I was enjoying the quiet alone time when she asked me some questions. I started to feel tense and worried my solitude was in jeopardy. I answered her questions anyway. Alas, as I continued to talk, I continued to sabotage my own needs for self-care. I did what many parents do…I raised my voice and told my daughter to be quiet or leave.
When I think about this now I would do it differently. In fact, I have done it differently since I’ve written this…and we’ll talk about that later.
As my daughter came into the room, I could have calmly invited her to come in quietly. Once I had her agreement, it would have been fairly easy to remind us of that if she chose to talk. If she didn’t agree to be quiet, I could have calmly fielded her questions and then request that she leave. Instead, I didn’t have the confidence to stand up for myself right from the beginning. I justified my self-sacrifice and jeopardized connection with my daughter.
All was not lost. My feelings of remorse and sadness called me back to my needs for self-care and connection. Afterwards, I sat down with my daughter and I shared how sad I felt about what happened. I heard how scared and confused she felt. After we understood each other, we talked about how important it is to ask for what we need, we laughed, and we hugged. I’m glad I can do that within minutes after raising my voice. However, I long to live with more integrity and peace. That’s why a self-care plan is so important to me.
Tracking Self-Care
A good self-care plan reminds you of what is important to you. After all, you have values, goals, and a purpose in your life. This plan reminds you about what you need to do to take care of you. Using a day planner or journal can remind you of your values and help you to decide what to do to take care of your body, mind, and soul.
Tracking your self-care gives you a solid foundation and understanding of your core values, helps you decide what to do, and helps you measure your success.
So, where do you start? For starters, try food for the brain. Begin to support self-care beliefs by giving yourself inspirational quotes and affirmations. This is the spiritual fuel that keeps you focused on your own personal well being. Not only do you want reminders of what to do, but you also want little pieces of inspiration around you to remind you of why you’re doing it. In addition to inspirational quotes, surround yourself with motivating pictures and beautiful, uplifting music throughout your home and office. Let this art stir your tranquility and wildest dreams. Your pictures, music, and affirmations may remind you of your dreams and what you want to create in your life or remind you of what’s important to you, like your family.
A helpful self-care plan inspires you and reminds you of why you want to take care of your body, mind, and spirit.
Tracking your progress is important. Let’s say you have a hard time getting motivated to exercise. By keeping a log of your rest, nutrition, and exercise time, you can keep yourself focused on achieving a healthier you.
In addition, use a journal to record your mental and emotional wellbeing. These four simple steps will help you to understand your feelings, needs, and take care of your self.
1. Use your five senses and observe what is going on around you and what you are thinking — write down what you see and hear and acknowledge any judgments you have about the situation.
2. Feelings — connect with how you feel.
3. Needs — what’s important about this situation for you?
4. Requests — what’s the best way you know of to meet your needs? Make specific, achievable goals or ask someone for specific, do-able help to meet your needs.
After you do something to meet your needs, evaluate whether it worked or not. If so, celebrate. If not, what could you do differently?
Your self-care plan tracks your progress to help you stay on track toward your goals.
You can use these planning tools to accomplish anything in your life. Taking care of yourself inside and out helps you to take care of your family and others. Start with yourself first!
Creating a Personal Self-Care Plan
How would you motivate yourself to initiate your self-care plan? Beginning any new task may be daunting or exciting. You’ll want to be sure you can sustain your motivation to keep you on track.
Think of a time you were successful in the past. What helped you achieve success? What motivated you in the past? Use this as your guide now to take care of yourself.
Some people find it helpful to have a family member, friend, spouse, or life coach hold them accountable. All you need to do is tell them about your goals and review them every one to two weeks. If you slip up in your efforts, they can let you know or offer a listening ear so you can renew your focus and get back on course.
Some sort of structure and accountability makes self-care successful and easy. We want to make this as easy as possible! Taking care of yourself is an important part of being there for your family. A realistic and achievable self-care plan will provide you with the vigor, attitude, and energy to enjoy life to its fullest!
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C. is a Certified Family Communications Coach. She supports compassionate communication, conflict resolution for all ages, and Collaborative Divorce. If you think your kids or partner are driving you nuts, then visit www.CompassionateSolutions.ca, sign up for your free newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now! Wendy offers a free preview Coaching and Consultation Session for new clients and regular group coaching calls.
What are the Kids Saying?
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
Kids’ whining, tantrums, lying, cheating, swearing, or stealing can stretch the most patient parents! What can we do about that?
As the saying goes, it’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. In other words, the best way to make tantrums and swearing louder is to give attention to them and curse them. If you join in, believe them, and argue with them, the intensity and frequency will rise, guaranteed. That’s probably not what you want.
Do you want to translate those messages so they’re easier to hear and find out what’s really going on? Do you want to co-create solutions to the problems rather than making them worse?
Trying to make these behaviours stop is like trying to direct the wind. Instead, explore the conflict first rather than fix it or make it into something else. Instead, shine your light on the heart of the matter and the essential message your kids are trying to say. You’ll know when your efforts are helping your child to learn when there is movement from angry to sad.
How to do that in 5 steps:
Step 1: Take a deep breath. Go ahead, take another because this isn’t easy.
Remind yourself: Cooling down helps us see the whole picture and creatively solve problems. Before cooling down, my child likely needs to vent just like I do sometimes. My child can sink into my loving arms. I am not a bad parent because my kids do these things. Most kids act this way from time to time. My kids are doing the best they can to communicate that they have unmet needs.
Step 2: Don’t take what your kids are doing personally. Do not fix anything at first. Rather than thinking about ’conflict resolution’, think of ‘conflict exploration’ with the emphasis on ‘exploration’. Now, how would you get into that space of curiosity and learning? Invite your kids to help you to understand the very important and valuable reasons why we do the things we do (i.e., our fundamental needs and that essential message I mentioned earlier).
Step 3: Everything we do and say is the best way we know how to meet our needs. Is your child feeling frustrated because something didn’t work out the way he wanted? These hard-to-hear behaviours are a request for help. Listening and silence are your best tools here.
Step 4: You know yourself and your kids best. Take a chance and make a guess out loud if it feels right. Do this to check that you understand what your child is reacting to. Did you understand them in the way they hoped? If not, check in again.
Step 5: When you both agree that you understand each other, you’ll notice a shift into sadness, a pause, and then to solving the problem in more effective ways than whining, tantrums, lying, cheating, swearing, or stealing. Take a minute to notice how each of you is changed by the dialogue. Do you have new ideas, a fresh perspective, or trust in each other?
These steps may happen over several minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Take your time.
Why would my child lie, cheat, or steal?
Lying, cheating, and stealing are relatively good options when you don’t want someone to know about what you’re doing. If we fear punishment and vulnerability, it may be the best we can do. Our children, just like us, have learned to do things without getting caught.
Following the above 5 steps and listening deeply to what is behind the message facilitates honesty, integrity, respect, and cooperation. When you seek to understand rather than fix what you believe is ‘wrong’ behaviour, you invite exploration and learning.
Two of my young children told me today what they enjoy in a “good mommy”. They said that they like to be free to say anything. So the next time you hear whining, tantrums, or stealing, choose to listen to what your kids are really saying instead of adding fuel to the fire, don’t try to fix anything. Seek to understand. Many times our children say and do things that are hard for us to figure out. When we take the time to be with them in loving comfort and understanding, we create deep connection and enriching relationships. In time, they may learn how to communicate more clearly and easily.
“It’s a life-long challenge developing ways to deal ‘with the mad that we feel’. Those who care for children early on by helping them develop loving healthy inner controls are offering them one of the great gifts of their lives.” Fred Rogers
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
What is Your Objective? (Communication is more than words.)
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
When I spoke to one person I knew for many years, I was confused because my new skills seemed to help to end that relationship. I thought I was trying to resolve a conflict. I believed these skills didn’t work or I didn’t do them right. So I tried again around the same time when I spoke to my dying mother. These new skills helped us to deepen our connection and mutual understanding. We experienced unconditional love and it felt wonderful! Yet another time, I felt confused again when I tried to speak to my husband using the communication formula that I had just learned. He nearly had a fit and wondered what kind of therapy I was trying to pull over on him.
Same strategy and three different results…hmmm… Why?
I believe the difference was in my objectives, what I was aiming for at the time I chose to speak. For each relationship and each communication, I intended different things. At the same time, I put more faith in the strategies rather than in myself.
In the first example, I felt frustrated and ambiguous to change the situation. Concerned by my mother’s well-being and focused on spending more time with her before she died, my intention was on nurturing that relationship. In my heart, my care was elsewhere. It was not on the conflict with the other person. I just wanted the fighting to stop. In one way, it did.
In the second example with my mother, I wanted to deeply connect with her. Despite my clumsy interpretation of what I was learning at the time, love and understanding poured from my heart. My focus, and the results, were congruent again.
In the last example where I tried a new communication format with my husband, my intention was on the technique. I forgot about the dialogue, and I forgot to trust myself. No wonder he wanted the “real” me! I learned then (and I remind myself as often as I can) that authenticity, understanding, and my focus are more important than trying to “get it right”. As long as I have the objective to understand…to be curious rather than be right…then the words and actions I choose will likely lead me in that direction. The intention I have in my heart will likely lead me to where I want to go.
This is your coaching assignment for this week if you choose to accept it: Think of a challenge you have right now. Check in with yourself and your heart. Express yourself truthfully while respecting others’ needs to do the same. Seek to understand rather than being right.
“Communication works for those who work at it.” John Powell
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
Curiosity Transforms Fear
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein
Watch a child examine a bug for the first time. What do you see?
Wide eyes looking closely, touching, tasting, and asking “what’s that?” or “what does it do?”
Curiosity is an emotion growing out of a need for exploration, investigation, and learning. We see it in many animals including humans. It’s an alert, energized state we experience when we want to learn more about something.
Curiosity is stimulated by something new, a puzzle, a riddle, a provocative question, and a desire to understand.
In that moment, nothing else matters but connection and understanding.
When that happens to me, I feel secure, playful, creative, energized, and fascinated. Do you?
Curiosity is easy when we experience something interesting and something we enjoy. What about those times when we don’t enjoy what we’re hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling, or even thinking about? Without curiosity, we can feel frustrated, dreadful, angry, afraid, or insecure. I learned that our left mind analyzes the past, is fearful of the future, and has a tendency to be redundant. When we are judging right from wrong, analyzing, and making sense of the world, it is our left mind that is helping us out.
Curiosity, on the other hand, is a matter of attitude and choice. When we are curious, our right brain is engaged. Our right mind is adventurous, celebrates abundance, and brings new insights when old beliefs and behaviours no longer serve us.
Hard to believe? I used to think so too.
Then I learned that if I choose curiosity and understanding, I could change the way I responded, inviting others to feel curious too, and create new solutions that moved me past fear and anger. The more I do that, the more I want to learn ways to do it more!
I have learned that it’s easier to do when I’m rested and have focused attention. When is it easier for you to feel creative and curious?
“I define responsibility (response-ability) as the ability to choose how we respond to stimulation coming in through our sensory systems at any moment in time. Although there are certain limbic system (emotional) programs that can be triggered automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream…Once triggered, the chemical release by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.” …“We have the power to chose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world.” Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.
Here’s your challenge for this week: What would it take for you to feel curious and playful about yourself, your world, and the people around you?
How would you shift to a state of curiosity in the face of discomfort, fear, or anger? Imagine talking to your left and right brains. What would each say?
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C. is a Certified Family Communications Coach. She supports compassionate communication, conflict resolution for all ages, and Collaborative Divorce. If you think your kids or partner are driving you nuts, then visit www.CompassionateSolutions.ca, sign up for your free newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now! Wendy offers a free preview Coaching and Consultation Session for new clients and regular group coaching calls.
Overcoming the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
I read somewhere that our families push our buttons because they put them there. Family relationships provide the best catalyst for personal growth because all our beliefs, attachments, feelings, needs, strengths, and limitations will be challenged.
“Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us.” Eknath Easwaran
Sometimes we’re afraid to connect with our kids or spouse because they may say something that triggers our guilt, sadness, or pain. Other times when we genuinely seek to connect, the other person perceives it as interrogation or therapy. Perhaps we dread having a difficult conversation because “it always ends up the same way”. This can be especially true for parents seeking divorce, enduring a stressful or transitional time, grieving from the death of a loved one, or becoming a parent after a significant painful event. Some of us worry that we’re “bad parents” or we don’t want to cause our children pain. Is it a fear, “maybe I won’t measure up to the latest parenting advice”? Is it a fear of not being able to be heard or effectively advocate for ourselves. Limiting beliefs can lead us to feel sensitive and want to defend ourselves.
Here are 10 tips to Overcome the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships. This list is definitely not exhaustive. Continue to add to it by examining all the conditions that support connection so that you can do more of that every day.
1.
No one is perfect. Even the best parents, spouses, and communicators make mistakes. We all make mistakes even when we’re doing our best.
2.
You’ve already had so much success in your life. Begin to notice all the ways that you meet your needs. Look at what you’ve managed to accomplish so far! Whatever comes along, you can find the resources you need to solve any problem and manage any feeling.
3.
Sometimes all we need is to grieve a loss (e.g., separation, death, disappointment) with someone there to listen to us. That’s all.
4.
Whatever anyone says, don’t take it personally. Criticism is the expression of unmet needs and painful feelings. What we feel is our response to the world. The world doesn’t cause our pain. There are as many sides to a story as there are people perceiving the event. If you offer empathy and your spouse says (as mine did), “Don’t talk to me that way!” then perhaps he’s looking for reassurance of authentic connection and trust. Hear the needs, not the criticism, and you’ll likely get the connection you’re looking for.
5.
Many of us feel overwhelmed by painful feelings and want to make them go away. Feelings are our bodies way of informing us of our needs. The best way to meet our needs is to welcome and listen to our feelings without judgment. When you still find this difficult, seek the help of someone who is willing to witness and listen.
6.
Family life means change. Change involves grief. Grief involves feeling and integrating. Give yourself time to integrate new circumstances.
7.
Listen to your children even when what they say is hard to hear. Learn to feel comfortable living outside your comfort zone for awhile until you understand what’s at the heart of the matter. The initial discomfort will pass as you understand and integrate new information.
8.
Talk about things that are troubling you even when you feel uncomfortable. Most things left unspoken and hidden will cause conflict at some point.
9.
Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your kids or tell everyone what you think of so-and-so. Taking care of yourself and your needs is about discerning who to tell and when. If you’re having trouble with your spouse, talk with him or her directly after getting clear about what you’re feeling and needing. Speak with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist first so that you can articulate yourself clearly and advocate for you needs effectively.
10.
Laugh at yourself. When your kids call each other “stupid”, share times when you were stupid too. I can think of lots of times when I was stupid, lazy, smart, fast, slow…and none of those times defined who I am. Admit when you make mistakes, laugh, and do a “do-over”.
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
Conflict Exploration
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc.
Most people dread arguments and “silent treatments”. Conflict involves at least two people committed to their side of the story and are afraid that their needs won’t get met. Many people believe their only choices are to give up their power and stay silent, or fight. In either case, resolution isn’t happening. Instead, our energy is distracted by blaming, judging, and criticizing. If we choose to focus our thoughts on who’s right or wrong, we risk eroding trust and open communication. Hostility replaces goodwill and creativity. There are effective ways to find compassionate solutions to everyday challenges. There is a win-win solution that empowers us, maintains dignity, and creates more cooperation and respect with each other.
“Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right?” Wayne W. Dyer
Best Practices for Conflict Exploration in 4 Steps
Rather than focus on ‘resolution’, focus on ‘exploration’, learning, and understanding. When you choose that consciousness, you invite curiosity and creativity.
Step 1: Take a deep, calming breath or a break. Prepare yourself to understand by putting yourself into the other person’s story and ask lots of questions.
Step 2: Don’t take what anyone says or does personally.
Everything we do and say is an attempt to meet our needs. Try not to fix anything. Instead, explore the very important and valuable reasons we do the things we do. Imagine each story from a third person’s perspective.
Step 3: What is everyone’s story, how are you reacting to that, and what values are important to you about those stories? Understand and value everyone’s different perspectives. Make sure you are also understood and valued fully.
Step 4: When you both know that you understand each others’ points of view, you’ll notice a shift to lightness and resolution. When everyone has had their say and is fully heard and understood, allow everyone’s natural creative resources to co-create a mutually satisfying solution.
“The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us.”
“I’ve learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don’t hear what they think…only hearing what’s going on in their hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads.” Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.
If you are willing to explore conflict, hear everyone’s story and get to be heard too, the process of resolution looks pretty much the same although the end result is unknown from the beginning. Conflict can strengthen our relationships rather than pull them apart.
“The secret of life is three words: change through relationship.” J. Krishnamurti
“True wisdom is realizing that we know nothing and being open to discover, moment by moment.” Naomi Aldort.
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., is a Family Relationship Life Coach who specializes in Conflict Resolution, Communication Skills, and Collaborative Divorce for progressive parents who want to value all our needs no matter how old we are. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca to find out how the gift of conflict can strengthen your relationships and enjoy a FREE Introductory Coaching Session and Consultation. Subscribe to her FREE newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now!
Cooperation
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
“Would you just do what I ask!?” Have you heard that before? I also hear about how uncooperative kids are and “If I could only get my kids to co-operate, then I’d be happy!”
When my parents used to tell me, “do what I say, not what I do”, I felt unsettled. Maybe, I felt confused. I can’t really remember. I do remember that I sometimes felt resentful and did what they said anyway just to get them off my backs and avoid punishment. Knowing now how much they loved me, I’m certain they wished I felt more joy. They didn’t know about partnership parenting. Instead, I’m sure they hoped to have power over me like many parents of their time. Today, I seek to invite everyone in my family to co-operate out of joy and contribution rather than resentment and avoidance.
So, I ask, what does “co-operate” mean?
co-operate: the act of working together, especially for mutual benefit
Co = together
Operate = to do something
If I demand that my children do what I say, without question, this is not inviting them to work together. There is no “co” in co-operate if I’m just telling my children what to do.
Recently, my oldest daughter expressed her dissatisfaction about cleaning up the bedroom “all by herself again”. Can you hear the long sigh? I could see that she wanted company and co-operation. I went in to the room and invited the other kids to help clean up. In a few minutes, the room was cleaned and we all had some fun while we did it.
Another time, I asked the kids to clean the living room while I cleaned the kitchen. One child asked me, “why should we clean up the living room when you’re not doing anything?” I checked in with him that co-operation was important. I shared with him what I was envisioning: that we were sharing the tasks of cleaning two rooms. I asked if he preferred to do the dishes and sweeping while I cleaned the living room and he said that he preferred to do the living room. The rooms were cleaned shortly afterwards with no hassle.
It would seem that cooperation is important for all of us. I think our children, like us, need reassurance from time to time that we’re not alone and that we’re here to help each other.
Sometimes, I specifically ask for obedience. When we’re heading out the door quickly or doing something that I don’t want to stop because it will impact other members of the family in ways we won’t enjoy, then I ask that we move forward and take the time to negotiate or talk about what needs are not met after there is obedience.
I don’t do this often. Maybe less than 5% of the time. Sometimes, we ask our children to do what we say for the sake of safety or ease. I’ve learned that kids raised in a home where partnerships are valued speak out when their needs are not met. This speaking out takes some adults off guard. Please do not mistake self-advocacy for being disrespectful or uncooperative. These children generally trust that their needs matter and when it really counts, we’ll be there to respect their needs as equal to our own. My older kids (7 and 10) understand now that group momentum and compliance is easier for all of us sometimes.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine someone demanding that you be co-operative…which is short-hand for obedience. You may have a boss or teacher like that. You probably don’t enjoy it. Everyone needs choice and to matter. The same is true for children.
Frankly, if you want your children to be cooperative, then be co-operative. Children learn to co-operate by living with co-operative adults. Co-operation works both ways. Gandhi invited us to be the change we want to see in the world. “What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.” Joseph Chilton Pearce.
Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson in Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids writes this about using power-over with children: “Parents with this orientation spend a lot of their time lecturing, advising, arguing, analyzing, and, in what ever ways, trying to manage the behavior of their children to fit a set of expectations they accept as the right and only way to do things…using phrases like you have to, you must, you ought to, and you should.”
If you want parenting to be easier, don’t spend one minute trying to make your children do what you think they should do. Aim for co-operation instead. People will follow through with agreements if they are do-able and they are motivated. We can’t motivate people. Motivation comes from within. What we can do is figure out what will motivate people to keep their commitments and do that.
What do you notice when you or someone you know spends their time policing their kids to be sure they’re doing what they’re told?
What does co-operation look like for you? Name one thing you can do this week to put “co” into co-operation?
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C. is a Certified Family Communications Coach. She supports compassionate communication, conflict resolution for all ages, and Collaborative Divorce. If you think your kids or partner are driving you nuts, then visit www.CompassionateSolutions.ca, sign up for your free newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now! Wendy offers a free preview Coaching and Consultation Session for new clients and regular group coaching calls.
Curiosity Transforms Fear
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein
Watch a child examine a bug for the first time. What do you see?
Wide eyes looking closely, touching, tasting, and asking “what’s that?” or “what does it do?”
Curiosity is an emotion growing out of a need for exploration, investigation, and learning. We see it in many animals including humans. It’s an alert, energized state we experience when we want to learn more about something.
Curiosity is stimulated by something new, a puzzle, a riddle, a provocative question, and a desire to understand.
In that moment, nothing else matters but connection and understanding.
When that happens to me, I feel secure, playful, creative, energized, and fascinated. Do you?
Curiosity is easy when we experience something interesting and something we enjoy. What about those times when we don’t enjoy what we’re hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling, or even thinking about? Without curiosity, we can feel frustrated, dreadful, angry, afraid, or insecure. I learned that our left mind analyzes the past, is fearful of the future, and has a tendency to be redundant. When we are judging right from wrong, analyzing, and making sense of the world, it is our left mind that is helping us out.
Curiosity, on the other hand, is a matter of attitude and choice. When we are curious, our right brain is engaged. Our right mind is adventurous, celebrates abundance, and brings new insights when old beliefs and behaviours no longer serve us.
Hard to believe? I used to think so too.
Then I learned that if I choose curiosity and understanding, I could change the way I responded, inviting others to feel curious too, and create new solutions that moved me past fear and anger. The more I do that, the more I want to learn ways to do it more!
I have learned that it’s easier to do when I’m rested and have focused attention. When is it easier for you to feel creative and curious?
“I define responsibility (response-ability) as the ability to choose how we respond to stimulation coming in through our sensory systems at any moment in time. Although there are certain limbic system (emotional) programs that can be triggered automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream…Once triggered, the chemical release by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.” …“We have the power to chose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world.” Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.
Here’s your challenge for this week: What would it take for you to feel curious and playful about yourself, your world, and the people around you?
How would you shift to a state of curiosity in the face of discomfort, fear, or anger? Imagine talking to your left and right brains. What would each say?
END.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C. is a Certified Family Communications Coach. She supports compassionate communication, conflict resolution for all ages, and Collaborative Divorce. If you think your kids or partner are driving you nuts, then visit www.CompassionateSolutions.ca, sign up for your free newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now! Wendy offers a free preview Coaching and Consultation Session for new clients and regular group coaching calls.
Getting Kids to Listen
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
A response to the question: How do I get my children to communicate or to listen to basic requests?
Notice what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought?
Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen. Are you trying to speak without the other’s full attention?
When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s body language. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence.
Merge with your child. Find out what he’s interested in in that moment. When he has your attention, then you can ask for his. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring you. If you need to interrupt, say so. Treat your child as you would like to be treated. For example: “Excuse me, can I get your attention?” Then, ask for what you want while linking it to the needs you want to meet. For example, you might say, “Take out the trash, please.” and it may be heard. Requests are better understood when prefaced with a clear need and connection. Try something like “Remember when we agreed that you’d take out the trash after dinner while I did the dishes?” When you get a nod and smile, ask, “Could you do that now?”
What if you’re not getting the nod and the smile? The child’s attachment to you and the relationship between you and your child may need some attention. Before focusing on the behaviour you don’t enjoy in the moment, first establish good rapport with your child. For example, before talking about the trash, be sure your child is enjoying your company in the moment. We spend much of our day telling our children all the ways they are behaving badly. Begin to spend more time each day enjoying each other’s company, sharing a meal, chatting about what’s important to them, and sharing your stories. I know this gets harder the older the child. However, there is no other way. Your heart already knows how to do this. Forget all the parent training that says that children should do this or that at such and such age. The fastest way to win our children over is through their hearts. They need to depend on us to be there for them and listen to them. They need to know that we will take care of them and our relationship with them. When our kids feel secure, they are likely to help out around the house if that’s what we’re looking for.
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
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