Get Over It!
by Joli A. Campbell, C.L.C.
Just when you think you cannot stand to talk about it one more second, you start telling your tales of woe and trauma all over again. A fresh set of ears so you can start the saga again. Do you catch yourself doing this? Have you ever noticed this in other people?
I have! I have done it! What I know is that if I am still talking about it and waiting for someone to have an emotional response to my situation…then I am NOT OVER IT!
What is important to recognize is that every time the story is repeated, the nervous system reengages wrapping around the trauma one more time. The nervous system is then unable to let go so the immune system starts to get weaker. The unresolved issue can manifest a physical ailment like tension, headaches, anxiety, colds, digestive problems, and the list continues until you manifest a terminal or chronic condition.
When you do not have to tell your story to solicit the other person’s compassion, sympathy, empathy, or outrage, and you tell it without charging up your own emotions then you are done with it. I am not saying you should never utter another word about it, quite the contrary, try telling the story as if you were a detached third-party observer. If you succeed, you are over it and it is okay to tell it. In addition, when your story has an inspirational ending, shout it from the rooftops.
The big question remains: how do you get over it? Well that is different for everyone. As a coach, I like to let the person roll with it and then I ask, “What do you need to have happen in order to let go of this…?” Hearing the same story continually, prompts me to ask if they know they are stuck in the situation.
Now, ask yourself some important questions: Is this situation worth my own demise? Is this situation something I want to have rule me for the rest of my life? If I cannot get over it on my own, am I willing to find help? Am I truly willing to let it go?
Are you willing to let go? The next step is to process the unresolved issues by journaling, exercising, meditation, or professional assistance. Then close the door, walk away, and GET OVER IT!
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? About the Author: Joli A. Campbell is a Writer, Photographer, and Certified Life Coach, her focus is on healthy choices that lead to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. In the past 15 years she has learned many helpful arts to further assist her clients including, Neuro Integration, Dream Interpretation, and Feng Shui. Please visit her website for further information: www.peoplemomentschoices.com. To contact Joli please visit her website.
Getting Kids to Listen
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
A response to the question: How do I get my children to communicate or to listen to basic requests?
Notice what your child is doing. Is she focused on a particular project or a phone call? Is he deep in thought?
Communication is a little like merging into highway traffic. Look ahead, match your speed with the traffic speed, find a place to fit in, and then join the line of cars when the timing is right. Rushing into a child’s room expecting her to pay attention to you is like leaping from the on-ramp into oncoming traffic. It’s an accident waiting to happen. Are you trying to speak without the other’s full attention?
When lovers court each other, they slow down and gaze into each other’s eyes. When a new baby is born, parents gaze into her eyes. When rapport is good, people begin to mirror each other’s body language. 90-95% of what we communicate is nonverbal. I suggest that you begin there. When you don’t know what to say, stay present in silence.
Merge with your child. Find out what he’s interested in in that moment. When he has your attention, then you can ask for his. Even if your child wants to do something else, you’ll likely be able to better understand that intention rather than thinking that he’s ignoring you. If you need to interrupt, say so. Treat your child as you would like to be treated. For example: “Excuse me, can I get your attention?” Then, ask for what you want while linking it to the needs you want to meet. For example, you might say, “Take out the trash, please.” and it may be heard. Requests are better understood when prefaced with a clear need and connection. Try something like “Remember when we agreed that you’d take out the trash after dinner while I did the dishes?” When you get a nod and smile, ask, “Could you do that now?”
What if you’re not getting the nod and the smile? The child’s attachment to you and the relationship between you and your child may need some attention. Before focusing on the behaviour you don’t enjoy in the moment, first establish good rapport with your child. For example, before talking about the trash, be sure your child is enjoying your company in the moment. We spend much of our day telling our children all the ways they are behaving badly. Begin to spend more time each day enjoying each other’s company, sharing a meal, chatting about what’s important to them, and sharing your stories. I know this gets harder the older the child. However, there is no other way. Your heart already knows how to do this. Forget all the parent training that says that children should do this or that at such and such age. The fastest way to win our children over is through their hearts. They need to depend on us to be there for them and listen to them. They need to know that we will take care of them and our relationship with them. When our kids feel secure, they are likely to help out around the house if that’s what we’re looking for.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation.
Great Thing … People!
by Robert Gregory, MS., MLC.
In their book The Leadership Challenge, Kouzes and Posner tell us if we are not committed to the people they will not be committed to the customer. If we are not committed to our people how can we expect them to be committed to not just the customer but also the mission and vision of the organization? The first principal I believe to be critical for leadership is what Parker Palmer refers to in his book The courage to teach: Exploring the inner landscape of a teacher’s life. “The Great Thing”. I am not referring to a product or theory, rather the people who make up an organization. It is important to be excited about putting the people first because the people will ultimately determine success or failure for the organization.
If people are the most important part of the leadership challenge then we must focus first on the individual(s) that comprise the leadership. The leader must strive to avoid what Freire in his book The Pedagogy of the oppressed refers to as the central problem. As leaders we do not want to be oppressive regarding our followers. If we are oppressors we risk causing the duality Freire explains as, “to be, is to be like the oppressor consequently both the leader and follower manifest dehumanization within the organization” (p. 48). This means that oppressive leadership will be passed down through the leadership to the followers causing dysfunction in the organization.
A leader should develop their own personal value statement along with the core values by which they live their life. For example, a value statement I live by is, excellence in every endeavor honors God and is inspirational for my personal walk as well as those I lead. The core values I apply to my life are faith, respect, truth, humility, servanthood, integrity, and love. Effective leadership depends on the ability of the leader to set the example for the followers. I agree with Kouzes and Posner, the two essentials for accomplishing this are “building and affirming shared values, and aligning actions with values” (p. 77). It is my opinion the key to my leadership philosophy and style is aligning my actions with my values; I need to demonstrate that what I say is actually what I am doing because actions speak louder than words.
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Freire, P., (2000). Pedagogy of the oppressed, Continuum International Publishing Group Inc, New York, NY. (Original work published 1921)
Kouzes J. M., & Posner B. Z., (2003). The leadership challenge. San Francisco: John Wiley & Sons.
Palmer, P. (1998). The courage to teach: Exploring the inner landscape of a teacher’s life. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
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? About the Author: Robert Gregory MS, MLC, is a current partner with Target Life Coaching LLC, Our goal at Target Life Coaching is to help improve the client’s life walk with the following principals, patience, kindness, truthfulness, trust, being slow to anger, forgiveness, and love. If you desire a meaning and purpose in life we at Target Life Coaching can help you discover, pursue and capture your heart’s desire. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit Target Life Coaching LLC, on our web at www.targetlifecoaching.com and join our blog spot at http://targetlifecoaching.blogspot.com.
Harmony at Home = Success
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
Success and happiness versus questionable success and happiness: That’s the topic of this article. In which category do you fall? Do you know? Let’s take a look at what both are defined as and then discuss what makes up each.
Two couples. Both with six members in their families. The wife of each is a first grade teacher for a well-known elementary school in the area. Both husbands are entrepreneurs, but in different industries.
Couple One:
Higher middle-class and little to no debt. The wife is a God-fearing woman who tries to do right by her family. The husband goes to church with her on occasion. The children go with their mom as often as she goes (twice a week).
Couple Two:
Middle middle-class with a ton of debt. The husband tries to do what’s right, being the leader of the family. He tries to lead Spiritually as well. Although not perfect, he is a God-fearing man and his wife follows his example. Now, even though this is not a religious topic, it’s important to see the background of each person in this example so you know where they are physically, spiritually and emotionally as much as possible.
Now that you know a little more about each couple, which one do you think is more happy and feels more successful at home?
If you say couple one, why?
If you say couple two, why?
Well, I’ll tell you. Couple two would be considered more successful and happy – even though they have more debt and earn less money. You see, it’s not about the amount of money made. It’s not about the places you go or the people you know. Being successful at home starts in the home. Square one is the couple and how they deal with every little situation that effects their family. The very things that could destroy their marriage are the very things that strengthen their commitment to each other and to their family.
Here are just three of the intangible things that you must have to make your home a success. There are many more. But start with these, and you’ll notice a huge difference if you’re not using them already.
Communication
Even though couple one has more debt, they understand what that means. They have pegged the problem, talked about how to overcome it and are constantly keeping open lines of communication open to get rid of the debt. They don’t play the blame game. The are a couple and they work through it as a couple. Another key to this is to not fall into the debt trap again. They understand that and have communicated to each other that it won’t happen again.
Compassion
Compassion is something you must give away for it to be effective in a relationship. When someone wrongs you, if you have compassion for them, it’s called forgiveness. If you see someone less fortunate than you, and you give to them, it’s call charity. If you are married and you continually forgive and give unconditionally to your spouse, it’s called love. Compassion is the epitome of unselfishness. You need it to be successful in the home.
Coping
Let’s not paint a Pollyanna picture here without bumps, bruises, troubles or trials. The truth is there will be problems along the way. Tempers will flare. People will get hurt. But just knowing this can help you get through it. If you decide right now, that when you DO get hurt – and you will – that you will deal with it in a way that will help you get through it, the intensity of the blow will be lessened exponentially. This is a powerful coping strategy. There are millions of people today who haven’t been raised, taught or conditioned with the ability to cope with problems they face during life. That’s one reason depression rates have skied in the past 10 years.
The good news coping isn’t too difficult. Most of the time you can prepare ahead of time to cope before your situation even arises. If you can do that, you’ve won before you even have to get started. It’s as simple as a decision. These three areas are where couple number two started. That’s where a lot of their harmony in the home comes from. There are a lot of other tools and strategies that can be used. But master these three and you’ll be ahead of the happiness at home curve.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
How Fears Develop
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
There have been talks about fears and phobias, and how they affect life. Fear is really the misconception, the rejection, and the dread of life.
There are thousands of life definitions available around. Often, these meanings seek or require a happy, if not perfect, life in this world. We are urged to seek out a paradise or a niche of refuge where we can build our utopia or ideal world.
But what really is life? If we honestly study human drama in history, we would see that real life is the concoction of good and bad, sad and happy. How to be happy in all these circumstances is what you make out of your life. We all create our life meanings. We cannot just borrow others’ meanings or get one from a book. We discover real life through actual life encounters. How we end up after each ordeal gives us our real life.
Life is a concoction of both extremes. Real life entails going through these ordeals. When you reject this idea and look for other life meanings — the kind where you live happily ever after — fears start to develop. You begin to look for fairy tale stuffs in life and reject the ones you actually have. Fear comes in, rejecting what is real. People who live in war zones have a realistic idea of life: You live now; you may die the next moment. They see that life is temporary — which is the truth. Thus, they are prepared to die anytime. Fears are still intact, but considerably lessened.
People who reject the truth are afraid to look at scenes of death or tragedy. The more they reject them, the more the fear grows within them. Many books on fears tell their readers to avoid seeing violence. You ought not to look for violence and watch it, but you ought not to close your eyes to it when there is one right under your nose. Life will always show you both extremes.
Mother Theresa was a non-violent person. Yet, she watched injustice and violence everyday, right where she was. She didn’t feel fear for these daily scenes; instead she felt love and concern in the midst of it all. She knew and lived a real life. Jesus Christ and Mahatma Gandhi were for non-violence. Yet they found real meaning and real life as they were caught in the middle of chaos and turmoil. These excellent people lived the real life. They even conquered others’ fears.
The rejection of the real life is the start of real fears. Fearful and phobic people refuse reality and build their own fantasy world..
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
How to be Enthusiastic
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
In life, we are faced with many different challenges and obstacles. Most of the time, we face these challenges with a pout on our face, or a frown – probably because we don’t like the things that we are doing. Some of the situations in life are usually forced upon us while others are put upon us at an unexpected time. Now how do we deal with all of these? And how do we face up to these problems with a smile on our faces?
These are actually several ways in which we can curb our enthusiasm to have a healthy and free lifestyle, free from the bondages of facing up to the challenge with a bucket of timidity.
If the situation is put upon you unexpectedly, don’t treat it as a burden. Treat it as a challenge. If you don’t know how to start or where to start, get some help. Always remember that there are people out there who are still willing to help you, and I can assure you that they are more than happy to help you. If an employer wishes you to do something that is not in your job description, ask a co-employee who is familiar with the job to help you with it.
Always remember to relax and to have fun always. Life is full of stressful situations that would require you to do otherwise, but hey, don’t give in to the situation. In fact, do something to change the situation. By relaxing, what I mean is to find a hobby that would totally relax you – read a book, watch television, sleep or go out and have fun with friends. That way, when you go back to the challenge awaiting you, you are free to look at it in a different light. Heck, it might even be a lot of fun doing it!
Smile always. There have been reports that say that there are more muscles needed to frown than to smile, and remember the old adage, “laughter is the best medicine”? Give yourself a break once in a while and don’t be all too serious. We can’t help it if life is too full of challenges, but what we can do is to make life worth living for us: smile and laugh – two of the best remedies in this lifetime.
When you are faced with a task so challenging that you feel that everything is drained out of you, remember these simple tips. It might only give you enthusiasm to face the challenging and daunting tasks that you encounter everyday, it can even help you save your life!
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
I Don’t Get It!
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
Last night, as is my norm on Thursday nights, I attended a regular small group discussion focused on the recovery of life.
How often I hear these words from clients and/or people I sponsor. I constantly witness insanity at work; doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results! DUH—don’t get it?
In my pro bono service work I try to never say no to someone who genuinely asks for help IF I am qualified to help. In my paid coaching work, because I guarantee results, I am very particular as to who I accept as clients. In both cases, to get it, to make very big life changes-not just living addiction free- requires many things.
I have studied psychology and read a great many books on change, motivation, success, spirituality and many other related topics; materials presented by very well known people. They all add to my knowledge base. HOWEVER, my bible for life change remains the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. A book not written by a noted shrink, but by people who have walked the walk!
In Chapter 5 of this book, on pages 58 and 59, there is a chapter called “How It Works”. Most who read go directly to the 12 steps, but the simple truths appear before getting that deeply into the chapter.
The chapter begins “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. It promises a high likelihood of failure to people who will not follow this simple program.
I have noted following a simple program is tough for intelligent people, they seem to have the answers, and the answers they have are complicated. To get the life you want, the book states that having the capacity to be honest is needed. And this means honest to self on all matters. Rigorous honesty is called for.
If you want the life and results you espouse to, you must be willing to go to any lengths to get them. What is complicated about “any lengths”? Experience has shown me that those who don’t get it are those who define the lengths they are prepared to go to. When I guarantee my paying clients results, it is with the clear stipulation that they be totally honest to themselves and to me, and do the work assigned without question. To date, all who have done so have got results.
As the book goes on to say “At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier softer way. But we could not.” There is no shortcut to success. Ask those who took part in the easy money schemes that are now unfolding. Generally, you reap what you sow.
To get results we need help- help from a power greater than ourselves. I am not religious, but know that if I had depended on me solely to get the life I really wanted; insanity as noted above would have prevented my achieving my goals. Simple truth. While not religious personally, I have found a real higher power within me (and we all have it) which has been a constant source of strength. You may need some help to know where to look. It’s there!
The book states and I have witnessed it in action, “Half measures availed us not. We stood at the turning point”. Don’t do the work and it is likely you’ll make the wrong turn. Simple truth!
When my head got into the place where all this stuff made sense, I was ready to take action, and funny thing, I was able to get it! I love coaching others through the process of readiness and the action that follows it. Those who are committed get it despite themselves, but it is a leap of faith.
In a few minutes I will speak with a “pro bono” “friend” who for five years has not got it. We will go over the same basic stuff again because he states he is struggling and not getting it. He is a highly trained professional who suffers frequently from depression (funny, alcohol and pot are chemical depressants) and has harmed his professional practise. He is at risk of losing his cherished family and has deeply hurt and adversely affected those he is closest to. His reputation amongst friends and peers has been tarnished (bad mental hygiene and addictions are the worst kept “secret” in town). His ego (self-pride) on the outside appears large; his self-esteem/self-love is very low. He can rationalise and complicate most things, yet he tells me he just doesn’t get it.
Wonder why? Could it be that he is not willing to go to the lengths necessary?
I certainly don’t have all the answers. I’ve trained and constantly upgrade to be the best value I can be to others. Daily I do the best I can to walk the talk. I’ve traveled my own road of life recovery, have used much “outside” professional help when needed and as you can tell from my bible, stay close to the basics that have helped millions improve their mental hygiene.
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About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Learn to be Courageous
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
Courage is also known as bravery. It is the ability to face fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. It is called ‘physical courage’ while facing physical challenges such as pain and hardship and ‘moral courage’ while enduring shame and discouragement.
The opposite of courage is fear. Courage makes your fear disappear. Courage is an important quality or character that you should have in order to face life’s many challenges.
Is it possible for all of us to have courage?
Well, yes. Courage also means overcoming fears. In that sense we all could learn to overcome most of our fears. You should develop courage in yourself first so that you could instill courage in others – your children, your family, your spouse and your staff at work. If you do not know what courage is and you do not have it, how could you teach others?
How do you overcome fears?
Learn to curb your fears – You should realize that everyone is afraid of something or the other. Courage does not mean absence of fear. Courage is control over your fear. A courageous person acts in spite of his fear to move forward.
Face your fears – Fears disappear the minute you stare at them. Your fear takes over you when you get scared and back away from a fearful situation. The fear looms over you and becomes more powerful. The only way you could develop courage is to be aware of your fear and confront it consciously and continuously. As you face each fear-inducing situation as a challenge your fears become weaker and you grow stronger.
Desensitize yourself to your fears – There is a technique called ‘Systematic desensitization’ which is used to treat phobias and other extreme or erroneous fears based on principles of behavior modification. In this technique you do a fearful act over and over until it has no more power over you. Your courage and confidence would grow more and more as you repeat the action several number of times. Finally your fear simply disappears once for all.
Your action plan in your efforts to overcome fear could include the following steps:
Define what courage is in your mind – it could be learning to drive, staying alone at home, going for a walk alone, swimming, etc. People are afraid of so many different things and what is simple to you may not be so for the other person.
Identify your fears – know your fears first.
Write down a list of all your fears – Be honest to yourself and do not be ashamed of admitting your fear of even the silliest thing in life.
Once your list is done, write down specific actions that you could possibly take in order to overcome those fears.
Prioritize your tasks.
Start taking action today.
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Live Life With No Regrets
by Kenya Johnson, M.P.G.C.
What does it mean to live life with no regrets?
When I sat and thought about this topic I began to reminisce about the things that I have accomplished and not accomplished in my life so far. I could honestly say that I have more that I have not accomplished then accomplished. This took me back to my list of goals and dreams. On this list was a variation of things from education, career, family and pleasure. What was hindering me from accomplishing things on this list? I could easily start the blame game and point fingers to implicate those that I feel have hindered me or situations that stopped me from moving forward. As I sat and ponder the thought some more I realized that I was the biggest hindrance to my somewhat unfulfilled life.
I took out a pen and some paper and begin to jot down all the things that I have allowed to keep me from pursuing my goals and dreams. The biggest and first thing on my list was fear. Fear is the emotion that is the main cause or hindrance to the fulfillment of most dreams and goals. Fear can be debilitating. If you allow it to, it could ruin your life and keep you from living your life to the fullest. Fear stands for:
* Failure
* Embarrassment
* Anxiety
* Rejection
It was my fear of failure, embarrassment, anxiety and fear of being rejected that held me back from pursing my dreams or trying new things. It was these four things that kept me from moving forward. Now that I had identified the main ingredient or component to my problem, what was I going to do about it? As I gave it more thought, I decided that facing my fear was my course of action. I had to take fear by the horns, look it dead in the face and refuse to allow it to dominate my life.
The next thing I did was take each goal I wanted to accomplish and right down all the things that kept me from completing that goal. I wrote down all the steps that fear would not allow me to move past and start to complete each step. I knew that this part would be the biggest hurdle to jump. I had to do things that would send me in hiding in the past. I had to face these challenges in order to start living my life with no regrets. What would be the biggest downfall to facing these challenges? Would I be rejected or embarrassed? The bigger question was what would happen if I never faced these challenges? Would I look back years from now and think of the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve? Would I feel fulfilled not knowing if I could have succeeded in an area or if my dream would have come alive and lived?
I decided that looking back years from now and seeing what could have been was worse than the little rejection or embarrassment that I might encounter. This journey of ‘No Regrets’ is one that I am willing to face just to be able to say been there done that and I have no regrets!
END.
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? About the Author: Kenya Johnson, M.P.G.C., is owner of The Total Makeover Company, LLC, working to help enhance your personal growth. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit The Total Makeover, LLC, on the web at www.thetotalmakeover.com.
Live Life With No Regrets – Part Two
by Kenya Johnson, M.P.G.C.
In my last article I talked about fear being one obstacle that keeps us from accomplishing goals and pursing our dreams. Let’s take a deeper look into the word fear.
Fear is one of the nastiest four letter words in our human vocabulary. This word holds power. Fear has the power to take down the most influential person. It also has the power to control every move you make. Let’s break down this word and see if we can make sense of it all.
Failure – is one of the components of fear. Fear tells us we will fail if we try. We will be known as the person who failed at this or failed at that. The fear of failure does not listen to the golden rule – If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. I can truly understand a person not trying because they fear failure. No one wants to fail, but we can’t let fear dictate our actions, calculate our every move and determine our destiny.
Embarrassment – Who wants to be embarrassed? In this very competitive world we live in it is easy to see how embarrassment can be a component of fear. Everyone is competing to be the best, do the best and have the best. I have a friend that is just about good at anything she puts her hand to. She is gifted in many things, including some things I have always wanted to try. I often find myself pulling back from trying things for fear that I will be embarrassed for not being as good as she is. The truth of the matter is we all are unique and have unique ways of doing things. Just because my friend maybe better at something doesn’t mean I should be embarrassed because I am not on the same level.
Anxiety – another component of fear that would take any man or woman down. Some goals are so big that it would cause the most confident person to be uneasy, apprehensive or even worried. Stepping into the unknown is a hard thing to do. Pursuing your dreams or accomplishing your goal may mean having to try or do things that are unfamiliar or make you apprehensive or even worried at times. That’s when you need to step back and re-evaluate your reasons for wanting to accomplish this goal, find out if the good out ways the bad and if it’s worth pursuing. If you still feel that this is what you must do, jump in with both feet.
Rejection – the last component of fear. No one on earth likes to be rejected. Everyone wants to be accepted. This can be in personal relationships and even work relationships. It is human nature to want to fit in or have a sense of belonging. Rejection is the worst component of fear. It is rejection that is sure to cause a person to walk away or give up. Hearing the word no is hard when you are reaching for something you truly desire in your heart. The biggest challenge is getting past the rejection and seeing it as just another hurdle or wall to knock down.
If you can get past all of these components of fear you can accomplish any goal and fulfill your dreams. It is time to start living life with no regrets!
END.
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? About the Author: Kenya Johnson, M.P.G.C., is owner of The Total Makeover Company, LLC, working to help enhance your personal growth. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit The Total Makeover, LLC, on the web at www.thetotalmakeover.com.
Living Life the Simple Way
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
Everyone says they want to lead a simple life, but only a few have the guts to walk their talk; because, the truth of the matter is, people have a hard time leaving behind their complicated but ostentatious lives, in exchange for a simple one. But, contrary to the notion, leading a plain and unfussy life doesn’t entail you having to give up all your belongings to go and live among the mountains. Below are some tips that will shed light to the true meaning of living in simplicity.
Make a list of all the things that complicate your life. List down all the things that you think perplex the current status of your life. They can be credit card debts, the huge mortgage on your house, rising taxes, not having enough quality time with family and friends, working 14 hours a day 6 days a week, heavy traffic on your way to the office, numerous appointments and commitments; the lists is endless.
Though some of the previously mentioned things may not outwardly appear to make your life complicated, a lot of them actually make going through the day difficult, without you knowing it. The best way to deal with them is through the process of elimination. After writing down the things that complicate your life, identify which of them you could possibly avoid. Of course, things such as duties and taxes, house loans, and the like, are already beyond your control. But matters like spending too much time in the office, missing a family event, and credit card bills can still be manipulated and better managed if you really want to.
Reminisce the good ole’ days. Life today seems to be always played in fast forward. In fact, it’s so fast that, sometimes, people find it hard to cope with its stresses and demands. When everything feels too complicated, press the “Pause” button for a while and backtrack to the good old days — the time when all you could care about was to play with your neighborhood clique, spend time with your high school buddies, and worry about what to wear on your very first date.
Life was so simple before, yes. No big debts to pay, no insurance companies bugging you; in short, less worries. So, if you are determined to live a simpler life from what you have right now, just remember that anytime you can take a trip down memory lane and recall how carefree you were then. It’s a relaxing exercise that might even help you make better decisions about your life at present.
Be willing to change. If you really want to change, have the willpower and humility to make some alterations in your life. No one says that change is easy, especially when you have lived grandiosely most of your life. But, you can, if you work hard for it. Switching from complex to simple does not happen overnight so you have to be patient. Recognizing the need for change is step one toward living a less stressful life.
Take In and Take Out. When something new comes in, the old goes out. It’s time to rummage through your things and inside your mind and search for whatever is no longer practical and useful. Let go of the things that have ceased to serve their purpose, particularly those that remind you of sad times in the past. If you haven’t used or worn something for a year already, send it on its way to charity organizations, where someone may be able to utilize it more. Clearing your life from clutter frees you from the task of having to worry about organizing them. The same goes for the clutter in your head.
Go low-tech. Come to think of it, having phones, email accounts, and computers at home are already a necessity. Simplifying your life does not mean that you have to go back to the stone age, live inside a cave, and write your term papers using a typewriter, when you have the option to use a computer. We really can’t escape technology, so we really have no choice but to deal with it. However, we also cannot allow it to rule our lives. Go for a walk around the block, read a book, spend a few hours away from the television and stop to smell the roses, literally. You’ll be thankful for the refreshing change.
When life is starting to get you down and all the stresses seem to be engraved into your life, always realize that you are the captain of your ship. You will not feel engulfed by your responsibilities if you don’t let them. It’s easy to say that simplifying your life will do the trick, but actually doing it will require sheer willpower on your part. But, as the saying always goes, if you want it bad enough, the universe will eventually conspire to give it to you. So kick off those shoes and relax.
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Love
by Daris Reno Blickman, M.S.L.C.
Love,
Is a fascinating word and mysterious meanings behind the word,
It has different meanings according to each individual and each element that the word Love enters into,
I have spoken with many over the years about the word Love, I have asked many to define the word and here are some of the responses given:
Love;
A feeling that is above any other feeling
The moment you look at someone and realize that life is shallow without them
The joy and warm that someone gives you without judgment but acceptance of you as a person
My children who are untainted by the world, when they look at me and I see my reflection in their face, I know that it is pure emotion that can tame my spirit with one tear,
The giving of ones heart unconditionally to another, without regret or agendas,
Love is pain that has never been felt before and happiness that gives wings to soul
The loss of pride and to gain empathy towards one who hurts you but yet you forgive them,
And the list grows onward.
Love, to describe such is to explain what emotion is, Have you tried to describe happiness, being angry, sad? Usually we choose just a different emotion to describe the first emotion.
So I shall talk about love,
The heart and spirit has many different levels, rooms, and is capable of encompassing all emotions, We as humans rarely understand completely the emotion love, for it is different from circumstance to circumstance, person to person and individual to individual, Some of us can love on many different levels, Some of us cannot, we are stuck on the first level, this is one of feeling, some connection, but usually not the deep lasting connection that attaches our heart strings together, Others love on the highest plane and cannot understand why it is not so for everyone.
We must remember that the Creator has made us different, some have followed their path, some have stayed in the middle road and some has decided that love is work, painful, exhausting and will settle for the Superficial love. The love of convenience, when it is needed by them, they will participate, then dance away,
There is the Conditional Love, the love that is bought, is bargained for and held as weapon or reward for deeds done and undone, this is the destructive love, one that takes from us our self value, our rights to think freely, for we must prove to that individual that we are worthy of love, We must remember that we are all worthy of love but we must give it in purity and seek it in the same manner for it to be healthy love,
We have the Unconditional Love, one that is given freely, without judgment or remorse, one that we allow to come into our lives and we take the lumps it gives to us. Children many times give unconditional love and some of us use it, abuse it for our benefit, how sad for the children, for they gave in purity and we took from them without shame. Unconditional love seeks forgiveness and connection to others, it thinks of them first, me second. It can be abused if given to the wrong person, for we usually up martyring ourselves to no avail.
We have many types of love or the emotion we call in the name of Love, the Brother/Sister love, which I have just recently experienced through the birth of a new family, it is a secure love, one of acceptance and belonging, one that I will hold on to and cherish forever, We have the Friend love which many times falls into the Family love category, Now I hear the voices whispering, You just don’t know my family, I will stick with the friends! I say this,
The bottom line is Healthy Love, this is what we should seek, not the love that comes with agendas, or the Quest and Conqueror Love which only wants you until they have you and then you hear the words, NEXT!
Healthy Love is made up of many steps, Compassion, Communication, Compromise, and Connection. I guess the fifth C would be for the word Courage, For it will take Courage to accomplish the other four with pure of heart,
We all try our hand at the mysterious word Love, to see what it is and to learn from the journey,
I am still learning myself what Love is and what I want and need in this emotion along with what pure love I can give in return,
What have you learned?
After all Love can be a successful journey if we simply remember this,
Failure is Success, if it is lesson learned and then applied to our life’s path, We should all strive toward healthy love in any relationship.
END.
? About the Author: Ms. Daris Reno Blicknan, M.S.L.C., is a Certified LIFE Coach and Master SPIRIT LIFE Coach. Daris is currently working with several Non Profits in the areas of disabilities, at risk teens and domestic violence issues. Daris is also a member of the Cherokee’s of Alabama and is involved with Public Relations work for the tribe. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca.
Loving What You Do – Discipline
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
It’s been a challenging week. Car unexpectedly needed an expensive repair, drove a ton of miles to take a lady into detox and then pick her up, got a “bug” from celebrating Easter in very close proximity to my 2 year old grand daughter, was let down by someone allegedly in the program in a distant city who I asked to reach out to the lady who was detoxing in her town, and so on.
I am grateful to be able to get the car fixed and take the lady to and from detox and share, detox was good for her even though the person I had asked to reach out didn’t, I’m getting over the “bug” and did some volunteer work this morning cleaning up the local golf course plus some “12th step work” and through the help of my higher power, “you people” and several outside the program experts, I’m living a life that is allowing me to do things I love! I am grateful to better understand the discipline I needed for me to get there. In keeping with this feeling, a very good reading:
My father taught me that only through self-discipline can you achieve freedom.
Pour water into a cup and you can drink. Without the cup, the water would splash over.
The cup is discipline. –Ricardo Montalban
It is no accident that the words discipline and disciple come from the same root. To be a disciple of any path, one must be disciplined. Life works best when we learn to discipline ourselves.
Discipline liberates rather than confines you. Discipline allows you to function with ease and grace. After years of practicing his strokes, a tennis player can hit the ball without having to think about it. What once took conscious effort is now second nature.
Unfortunately, many of us had discipline forced upon us as children. Naturally, we rebelled against an externally imposed structure. We were not shown that true discipline always comes from within, and the motivation for that urge is love. When we are doing what we love, when we are pursuing something that has meaning, discipline comes naturally. As one Olympic athlete explained, “I don’t mind working out every day. Because I love what I am doing, my training is not a burden but a joy.”
Discipline is your ticket to freedom and path to excellence. Choose to be disciplined in all your endeavours and become the master of yourself and your life.
END.
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? About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Merry Little Smiles
by Joli A. Campbell, C.L.C.
For the month of November a few of my friends and I participated in a little challenge on Facebook, we wrote on our walls everyday what we were most thankful for that particular day. It may sound easy to find one thing to be grateful for everyday, but there were a couple of days where I had a difficult time finding a thing for which I was grateful. Although I managed to find something every day, I was fascinated by the challenge.
For December, in the spirit of Christmas being Merry, I challenged my friends to write what they were merry about or what brought them a smile each day. I have been able to find something that made me smile every day, and I have absolutely loved the process. A couple of my friends participate as they have the time, and I enjoy and gain many smiles over seeing what makes them smile.
What I have learned is that I started looking for my smiles, I started acknowledging my smiles, and I started sharing my smiles. The best part was—my smiles became other people’s smile. Smiles are truly contagious.
So how do you smile? When do you smile? What makes you smile? Take the challenge, acknowledge your smiles, and enjoy your little moments of joy. As the Holiday Season is upon us, take a moment in all the chaos that occurs around this time of year to RECOGNIZE SMILES.
END.
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? About the Author: Joli A. Campbell is a Writer, Photographer, and Certified Life Coach, her focus is on healthy choices that lead to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. In the past 15 years she has learned many helpful arts to further assist her clients including, Neuro Integration, Dream Interpretation, and Feng Shui. Please visit her website for further information: www.peoplemomentschoices.com. To contact Joli please visit her website.
Choices to Panic or Prepare: Part 1
by Joli A. Campbell, C.L.C.
In the last few months our natural health practice has been inundated with fears of the flu questions. This is our response:
The Little WHO that cried Flu recently created a world of panic and mania around what seems at this point to be little more than a regular old garden-variety influenza. As I write this less than 200 people globally have died from the H1N1 virus (or swine flu), yet it is estimated that nearly 100 people die every day in the United States alone just from seasonal flu. This 100 people/day figure is up for question because it is outdated by about eight years, but startling nonetheless.
So the question I pose is: do we choose to panic or can we just be prepared and move on with our lives. The choice for me is simple be prepared. What the media did not explain during their world wide pandemic coverage was the rules of the road for avoiding the flu. Wearing a mask will not stop you from getting the flu. Wearing a mask while you have the flu can help you to not spread it around, but even then the mask can get saturated with germs and become useless.
The best advice is age old: wash your hands often or use hand sanitizer regularly, and like your mother undoubtedly told you, “Keep your hands out of your mouth.” “Don’t pick your nose.” Finally, “Stop rubbing your eyes.” Eat healthy, keep your immune system happy, and take your multi-vitamins and some probiotics. Get plenty of rest, exercise and steer clear of people who are sick. If you care for someone who is ill limit your contact, always clean your hands after being with them or touching them. Be sure to sterilize their dishes and have them sleep in a separate room if possible. And if you or a loved one is sick STAY HOME (the CDC recommends a full seven days from the start of symptoms). Respect other people and their health by not spreading it around.
Instead of panicking be prepared…do right by your health and take care of yourself. Will there be a pandemic? Probably. Will it hit the world like previous pandemics? Not necessarily.
Notice that the very word PANDEMIC when the d-e-m are removed spells PANIC.
For further information on H1N1 go to: http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/
END.
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? About the Author: Joli A. Campbell is a Writer, Photographer, and Certified Life Coach, her focus is on healthy choices that lead to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. In the past 15 years she has learned many helpful arts to further assist her clients including, Neuro Integration, Dream Interpretation, and Feng Shui. Please visit her website for further information: www.peoplemomentschoices.com. To contact Joli please visit her website.
Choices to Panic or Prepare: Part 2
by Joli A. Campbell, C.L.C.
We, especially in the United States, have been inundated with panic over the recession. Another place for us to take our finger off the panic button would be about our money. Here are a few things to remember when thinking of our economy and the recession:
* While unemployment levels are up, they are starting to stabilize.
* When the stock market rides as dangerously high for as many years as it did before it plummeted last year this is normal…it has to stabilize at some point.
* Keep your retirement funds in place. Yes, right now they do not look good on paper, but remember those shares are yours even if they are not worth much right now they are still shares and they will eventually regain value. Ride it out, it will turn around.
I am not saying that the recession does not affect us, quite the contrary, we have seen a 20% pay cut in our own household. I think being realistic is better than pretending it is not going to happen and then being caught in a financial whirlwind. Therefore, for my clients, and myself I am saying the same thing as many financial advisors.
Stop spending money you do not have…NOW. The American public has spent entirely too much money on credit and the effects have become global. It has never been advisable to spend money you do not have. We have a strict rule in our house; “if you don’t have the cash, you don’t get the goods.”
Start saving…NOW! Pay yourself first. Money should be allotted to savings and interest bearing accounts as soon as it comes in. Start saving as much money as you can horde away, and start now even if it is only $5 here and there those nickels add up. It never hurts to save for a rainy day–even on a rainy day.
Here is a list of financial pointers that I have implemented successfully in my own home and with my clients:
* Use coupons.
* If possible never pay full price for anything, especially, clothing or big-ticket items.
* Look around online for coupon deals and codes before you buy online.
* Become a member of your favorite shopping websites, they often email coupons to you weekly and sometimes daily.
* GET RID of your credit cards except for emergencies. These gems should never be used unless you KNOW you will pay it off quickly. In addition, if you have outstanding credit card debt, pay it down in as large of chunks as you can afford–the interest will add up fast.
* Negotiate with anyone you can, your cable company, your phone company, your cell provider, your auto and homeowner’s insurance provider, your auto loan company, and even your hairdresser.
* Go green it eventually puts the green back in your wallet.
o Start buying CFC light bulbs; they reduce your electric bill.
o Buy Energy Star appliances.
o Wash your clothes in cold water.
o Take shorter showers.
o Water your lawn less.
o Turn off your electronic devices when not in use.
o Unplug chargers when devices are done charging.
o Turn out the lights when not in use.
o Turn down your water heater to the lowest tolerable setting.
o Turn down your heater and turn up your cooler to the most tolerable settings.
o Change the oil in your car when it is due for it, and keep the proper pressure in your tires, this reduces your gasoline usage and lowers your carbon footprint.
o Trade that gas-guzzler in for a vehicle that gets better gas mileage, saves money not only on gas but on insurance as well.
* Keep your car for a few years after you have paid it off. If it is still a good car then there is no need to trade up or get into another car payment.
* Consider taking a stay at home vacation and going to your local venues, like museums, the local zoo, and local national or state parks.
* Make family agreements for holiday gifts; for instance, no one spends more than $10 on a gift.
* When you find yourself wanting something ask yourself if you really need it or can you live without it.
* Earn a little extra cash on eBay.com or other similar sites by selling some of your unused and unwanted goods.
* If you are a crafter, start selling online at etsy.com.
* Become a member to businesses that pay you back for shopping with them, like your local co-op, and warehouse clubs.
The old adages of ‘work smarter not harder,’ and ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket,’ are sage advice in lean times or not (the key here is even when times are not lean spend smart and save smart.)
Use a method of budgeting your income, there are many out there from which to choose. The one I like the best and that works the easiest for us is divide your income into quarters. ¼ goes to home rent or mortgage expenses and bills, ¼ goes to all other household needs groceries and your daily expenses, ¼ to savings and insurance, ¼ for miscellaneous. There are others out there like splitting your income into 35% housing, 15% transportation, 25% life, 15% debt repayment, and 10% savings. Whatever you do pick a budgeting method and stick to it.
Really, the best advice again is instead of panicking get prepared.
Look to this day for it is life.
In its brief course lie all the realities and truths of existence,
The joy of growth, the glory of action,
The splendor of beauty…
Today well lived makes every
Yesterday a memory of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day…
~ancient Sanskrit proverb
END.
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? About the Author: Joli A. Campbell is a Writer, Photographer, and Certified Life Coach, her focus is on healthy choices that lead to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. In the past 15 years she has learned many helpful arts to further assist her clients including, Neuro Integration, Dream Interpretation, and Feng Shui. Please visit her website for further information: www.peoplemomentschoices.com. To contact Joli please visit her website.
Re-Charge
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
No matter how positive your frame of mind is, during the holiday season there may be times when you feel overwhelmed, negative and drained of energy, especially when due to stress – from the pressures of job, family, holiday events and misunderstandings with a loved one. Let me offer you some help to get you through …
* Take a break. Just leave the cause of your stress for a few minutes. This tip is applicable particularly when you are overwhelmed and feel many things going on around you. Close your eyes, relax, and take deep breaths. You can also recite an affirmation to yourself. This short break can give you a new perspective on the issue – or issues – at hand when you come back.
* Meditate. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and imagine any of these situations or any image that you feel can relax you. You can make variations as you see fit:
o
A great shower of light is bathing you and wrapping all around you. This light not only envelops you but fills your being to the core.
o
You are a feather floating in the air. You become lighter and lighter as you glide downward. You finally touch the ground, softly and gently. As you lie there, all negative feelings and heaviness have left your body. You are almost weightless.
o
All bad feelings are released from your body like the air you exhale. As you breathe slowly and deeply, imagine that each time you exhale, you are releasing all negative thoughts.
o
A relaxing piece of music can help in your meditation. Also, listening to the music alone and letting it wash away your worries and concerns can also work, even without images.
*
Draw energy from nature. You need not go to the beach or the mountains – you can draw energy from focusing on the beauty of a simple flower or tree. Take note of the object’s every detail – from the shape, the color, the way the light plays on its surface and others. Drink in its “essence” and imagine this “essence” filling you.
*
Ask for energy from others. People who support you are a very powerful source of energy. Their help is especially valuable when you are having a hard time replenishing your energy on your own. When you are feeling tired or depressed, you can ask people close to you to send you energy. You can make your request direct, like “I’m feeling _____ now because of ________. Can you send me energy?” Or if you feel tired giving the details, you can just say how you feel and that you need energy.
If these people are near you, ask for a hug! Or several hugs, depending on how many you need to feel better. The more energy you need, the more people you may need to ask.
Give energy to others. You may think that at your current state you no longer have energy to give. Sometimes, though, when you give the little energy you have left, you actually receive more. For example, when a friend confides and asks support from you about a problem, you may forget your own worries at the moment and focus sending energy to him/her. Your sending of energy to your friend actually gives you energy..
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Restorative Circles for Families- Part 1
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
I am excited to tell you about how Restorative Circles (RC) have helped our family understand each other and learn from our conflicts more easily. The Restorative System and Process support mutual understanding, self-responsibility, and the co-creation of action steps to restore dignity and relationships with little to no communication skills training.
Within a few days after my 2 day introduction and 3 day facilitator training with Dominic Barter from Brazil, my children and I were able to use the RC process with great success. Even though I had learned about Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org) 6 years ago, Barter’s work made NVC more concrete for me. I especially enjoyed that there are no assumptions that people can communicate. If we could communicate, we’d likely be doing something other than being in conflict.
Dominic Barter draws on his extensive training and experience in Restorative Practices (www.twitter.com/restoracircles and contact@restorativecircles.org) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC, www.cnvc.org). I believe he has managed to develop a simple and effective way for communities and families to experience and learn from painful conflict. Circle participants share how they were impacted by an act. There is an actor, a direct recipient of the act, and a community (e.g., family, friends, social group, neighbours, etc.). All participants dialogue in a personal capacity, no matter what roles people play outside the circle. Circles provide valuable opportunities to hear how others have been impacted and what each person was looking for at the time they chose to say or do what they did.
NVC helps me make sense of what I sense, feel, and need, so that I can make do-able requests of myself and others. I needed another way to transform my conflicts when they came up. I also wanted an easy way to explore conflict without always being “in charge”. That is, the one others look to for what to say and do next. I wanted shared power and responsibility. I found it in Restorative Circles.
I intended on sharing my RC experiences with my family in the spirit of partnership rather than “Mommy is going to tell us what to do to.” My initial intention was to observe conflict in our home and initiate dialogues to examine what we all perceive and how we might create a space for shared power and collaboration. I began thinking about ways to set up a Restorative System at home.
I woke up the first morning after the training and connected with each of my 4 kids after being away. Within an hour, conflict was ignited. My 10 year old daughter placed a cup on the table that tipped and spilled onto her younger sister (4 years). My sons (7 and 2 years) and I saw the act. I stayed focused on the questions that Dominic Barter shared with us in our training: 1) What do you want to say? (ie., What would you, the speaker, like known about how you are now in relation to the event and its consequences?) 2) What did you hear? (asked of the listener) and 3) Is that it? (asked of the speaker). Each speaker decides if he or she was heard in the way they intended.
It was hard to stay focused. Many times I wanted to direct the conversation and then refocused myself on the questions and tracked meaning. I noticed some of us wanted to move to action plans while others wanted mutual understanding. Self-responsibility wove in and out as each person understood why they did what they did. Eventually my discomfort subsided, I noticed a shift in the group energy (led mostly by my 7 year old son) to create an action plan. We did that and we checked in to see if everyone was satisfied with the outcome. We were. Total time was less than 15 minutes. We’ve had several more circles. Most circles take less than 20 minutes. Only one lasted 30 minutes.
Next time, I will share my wonderful shift in consciousness as a mother as a result of using Restorative Circles. You may contact Dominic Barter at: contact@restorativecircles.org or www.twitter.com/restoracircles.
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
Restorative Circles for Families – Part 2
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
Who doesn’t want parenting to be easier? But what does that mean given intense emotional reactions that spring up seemingly out of the blue and the challenges of everyday family life? Is it even possible for children and adults to share power while we are leaders in our families?
Well, I found out that we can be equally powerful one morning in June. I saw my 2 1/2 year old son carrying my eye glasses and a fork in one hand. I felt livid imagining not being able to use my glasses again and noticed I blamed my son. I stood in the kitchen, witnessed my anger inside, while my oldest children (7 and 10 years) looked at me. Suddenly, I had the idea to request a Restorative Circle (RC). I could see that my ability to hear was diminished by my emotional intensity. That meant that I would need some help being heard. I made this request of my oldest children. To my surprise, both children said “yes”. My 10 year old daughter turned to me and asked, “So, how do we do that?” I said, “Just do what you’ve seen me do over the last couple of days.” I thought, “Not a do-able request, I know…but it was the best I could come up with at the time.” To my surprise again, she replied confidently, “okay.”
My two children eagerly co-facilitated a circle. It looked rather fun for them even though I was still feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t for long. My young children empathized with my feelings, understanding my needs for order and ease. They also gave me space to share how I also saw my son’s needs for fun and my love for him. Holding emotional space for me and him was the challenge for me. Once I received this gift of empathy, I re-connected with my littlest who was cowering in fear. I’m sure it was in reaction to the look of rage on my face earlier when I saw him do what he did. After the circle, hearing how I was, and what my son was likely looking for when he was carrying my glasses and the fork in one hand, we hugged and kissed. Total time: about 10 minutes.
Some days we are unable to do spontaneous circles. Any one of us may be too tired or focused on other things. My family seems to generally trust our needs are important. Even though we can’t always listen in the way that we would like and take a break to regain calm again, we mostly trust that we can work things out together. When we forget, there seems to be someone else, at some point, helping us to remember. I am so grateful for that!
One day, the kids and I were heading out the door when conflict happened. Unable to focus our attention on a circle, my older son grabbed a pen, paper, and wrote his name to request a circle later. He seemed relieved to write this note. Then, he turned to his younger brother with whom he just had the conflict and figured out a way to move forward (i.e., to get out the door). I read the note next morning when I was able to facilitate a circle. When I asked my son about it, he said there was no conflict. He threw out the note.
I trust myself and my kids to value and know how to meet our needs even if we haven’t got a clue in any given moment. Those moments of uncertainty are tough and uncomfortable. I’m learning everyday to feel more comfortable with my discomfort and seeing these feelings in a restorative way.
I’m wondering if you’re wondering, “How this is possible?” If you’re experiencing intense conflict or exhaustion, this experience can seem too unreal to imagine. I advise you to get the rest and help you need before trying this on your own. Sharing power with my kids means that I feel vulnerable to change. I don’t have all the answers. I bring my curiosity and care. I’m often raw and unsure. This is so rich for me as long as I see it as an adventure. As long as I do, I feel powerful, confident, and can acknowledge my children’s power and choice. When I don’t, I get help just like anyone else.
Restorative Circles made my parenting easier because the questions and structure developed by Dominic Barter were easy enough for my eldest children to learn from a couple of 10 minute discussions and watching me over 2 days. We still need lots of practice. I notice more ease to understand myself and my family. I’m not getting stuck on communicating in the “right way” as much as I used to. Instead, checking for the meaning underlying what we do and say has become easier. Rather than trying to fix a situation, even if it’s mine, I know I can witness what’s going on for me, be gentle with myself, ask for help, and trust that all is well. Pain is important and, I dare say necessary, for learning.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
School Blues
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
For a child who is already comfortable and at ease with the normal routine of his school, transferring to a new one might be a lot difficult for him. Changes abound – he has to deal with a change of environment, meet new people, encounter a different school curriculum, follow new school rules, and even try to make his way around his new school.
These, among others, might be the ones that have adverse affects on the child – a sense of rejection, trauma, or even depression.
“There are different ways in which kids act in various situations,” says Professor Josephine Aguilar-Placido, a sociology professor. “There is the issue of non-acceptance, especially when the child doesn’t know that he is going to be transferred to another school. There is the rejection from the child – absenteeism, skipping classes and sometimes the child exhibits behavior, such as withdrawal which would be unusual if he is usually outspoken.”
So when a child exhibits unusual behavior, here are several ways on how to deal with the child and his school blues.
Talk to your child. Prior to the move, have a heart-to-heart talk with your child. Explain to him why he needs to go to a new school. Have a positive tone and be encouraging – explain to your child that the new school is different, but with effort, it will be better than the old one.
Tour the campus. Even before the school year starts, schedule a series of visits to the campus so that your child would know who his new teachers are, and where the rooms such as the canteen, library, and the teachers’ lounge are located. That way, your child may become accustomed to finding his way around and know to whom he can easily talk if he needs help.
Observe your child on school days. Don’t ignore your child when the start of the school year rolls around. Make sure you talk to him after each school day, asking him how his day is, how he feels about his new school and his classmates. This way, you can immediately grasp what your child feels. If you sense an immediate discomfort in the child, talk to him after school, and discuss this problem with him.
You might also want to pay a visit to the school and talk to your child’s teachers or the guidance counselor.
Go over schoolwork with him. If a child is experiencing some difficulty in his schoolwork as opposed to his previous schoolwork in a former school, make time to sit down him and help him study his lessons.
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Self-Care vs. Self-Sacrifice
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
Self-care is the opposite of self-sabotage, self-control, and self-sacrifice. To successfully take care of yourself, begin a self-care plan based on your values and personal needs. It’s through determination and focus that you’re going to be able to properly care for your very being.
Self-care isn’t just about brushing your teeth or getting food on the table. Self-care is caring for your inner self, your needs, and your very being. What patterns are we creating when we do not attend to what is important to us? What beliefs are we reinforcing when we justify self-sacrifice?
Why is self-care so important? I believe that when we take care of ourselves, we are better able to care for our families and others. Here’s my example.
I was in the shower the other day when my youngest daughter came in to use the toilet. I was enjoying the quiet alone time when she asked me some questions. I started to feel tense and worried my solitude was in jeopardy. I answered her questions anyway. Alas, as I continued to talk, I continued to sabotage my own needs for self-care. I did what many parents do…I raised my voice and told my daughter to be quiet or leave.
When I think about this now I would do it differently. In fact, I have done it differently since I’ve written this…and we’ll talk about that later.
As my daughter came into the room, I could have calmly invited her to come in quietly. Once I had her agreement, it would have been fairly easy to remind us of that if she chose to talk. If she didn’t agree to be quiet, I could have calmly fielded her questions and then request that she leave. Instead, I didn’t have the confidence to stand up for myself right from the beginning. I justified my self-sacrifice and jeopardized connection with my daughter.
All was not lost. My feelings of remorse and sadness called me back to my needs for self-care and connection. Afterwards, I sat down with my daughter and I shared how sad I felt about what happened. I heard how scared and confused she felt. After we understood each other, we talked about how important it is to ask for what we need, we laughed, and we hugged. I’m glad I can do that within minutes after raising my voice. However, I long to live with more integrity and peace. That’s why a self-care plan is so important to me.
Tracking Self-Care
A good self-care plan reminds you of what is important to you. After all, you have values, goals, and a purpose in your life. This plan reminds you about what you need to do to take care of you. Using a day planner or journal can remind you of your values and help you to decide what to do to take care of your body, mind, and soul.
Tracking your self-care gives you a solid foundation and understanding of your core values, helps you decide what to do, and helps you measure your success.
So, where do you start? For starters, try food for the brain. Begin to support self-care beliefs by giving yourself inspirational quotes and affirmations. This is the spiritual fuel that keeps you focused on your own personal well being. Not only do you want reminders of what to do, but you also want little pieces of inspiration around you to remind you of why you’re doing it. In addition to inspirational quotes, surround yourself with motivating pictures and beautiful, uplifting music throughout your home and office. Let this art stir your tranquility and wildest dreams. Your pictures, music, and affirmations may remind you of your dreams and what you want to create in your life or remind you of what’s important to you, like your family.
A helpful self-care plan inspires you and reminds you of why you want to take care of your body, mind, and spirit.
Tracking your progress is important. Let’s say you have a hard time getting motivated to exercise. By keeping a log of your rest, nutrition, and exercise time, you can keep yourself focused on achieving a healthier you.
In addition, use a journal to record your mental and emotional wellbeing. These four simple steps will help you to understand your feelings, needs, and take care of your self.
1. Use your five senses and observe what is going on around you and what you are thinking — write down what you see and hear and acknowledge any judgments you have about the situation.
2. Feelings — connect with how you feel.
3. Needs — what’s important about this situation for you?
4. Requests — what’s the best way you know of to meet your needs? Make specific, achievable goals or ask someone for specific, do-able help to meet your needs.
After you do something to meet your needs, evaluate whether it worked or not. If so, celebrate. If not, what could you do differently?
Your self-care plan tracks your progress to help you stay on track toward your goals.
You can use these planning tools to accomplish anything in your life. Taking care of yourself inside and out helps you to take care of your family and others. Start with yourself first!
Creating a Personal Self-Care Plan
How would you motivate yourself to initiate your self-care plan? Beginning any new task may be daunting or exciting. You’ll want to be sure you can sustain your motivation to keep you on track.
Think of a time you were successful in the past. What helped you achieve success? What motivated you in the past? Use this as your guide now to take care of yourself.
Some people find it helpful to have a family member, friend, spouse, or life coach hold them accountable. All you need to do is tell them about your goals and review them every one to two weeks. If you slip up in your efforts, they can let you know or offer a listening ear so you can renew your focus and get back on course.
Some sort of structure and accountability makes self-care successful and easy. We want to make this as easy as possible! Taking care of yourself is an important part of being there for your family. A realistic and achievable self-care plan will provide you with the vigor, attitude, and energy to enjoy life to its fullest!
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C. is a Certified Family Communications Coach. She supports compassionate communication, conflict resolution for all ages, and Collaborative Divorce. If you think your kids or partner are driving you nuts, then visit www.CompassionateSolutions.ca, sign up for your free newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now! Wendy offers a free preview Coaching and Consultation Session for new clients and regular group coaching calls.
A Spiritual (not religious) Lifestyle
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
Thought to Ponder . . .True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess.
As I made a decision to do something about my life as it was back in 1994, early on I had the GOD thing thrown at me.
Like most, I had attended Sunday school as a kid and at the insistence of my parents. At an age I was allowed to make decisions for myself, I found better things to do on a Sunday morning, like sleep in to recover from Saturday night!
At about 17 years old, I met a lady who was in to a fundamentalist Christian religion, or at least her family was, and to please and impress her and them, I started to attend their church. Being the type of person I am (half measures availed us not) I embraced the religion, the church, and its members hook line and sinker. In return, I received a lot of attention, praise and encouragement from not only the young lady, but the congregation as a whole. I had found a place where I got some of the things I was lacking in life.
The romance with the religion continued for about three years and the relationship with the “girl” who was to become my wife and mother to my children continued.
Was I genuine in my beliefs or just going through the motions to please others? It’s a moot point today. I learned a lot and cleaned up my behavior, left booze and drugs alone for the first time in my teen years, and acted like the person my new church friends thought I should be.
At the end of high school I had options. I was accepted at Bible College (1st acceptance) followed by acceptance at two good universities where I had an option to play football. University won out easily.
I was a “Christian” in the conduct others saw over my first year “away” at university. The relationship with the young lady (3 years my junior) continued on. I returned home after 1st year and the personal relationship got far more physical- note I did not say intimate- through out the summer.
I returned to school in the fall, and just prior to Canadian thanksgiving, I got the confirming phone call that the young lady and I were about to be parents. In our infinite wisdom and against parental advice- we decided to get married.
A very funny and life altering thing happened, one that was to shape the next 25 years of my life and alter the lives of 2 young people.
Without belabouring it and getting into specifics, the church that had been our rock turned on us and my wife’s family. The god I knew I had found at this church and in my mind was part of this church and spoke through, in part, these people. To be shunned was devastating.
Any connection I had with god ended. It was as sudden as the disconnect of a telephone line. I very quickly reverted back to my old behaviors that included the proverbial sex, drugs and rock and roll. God was gone, and gone for the next 25 years. He had dropped the ball in my mind.
Going forward, my career thrived but my personal behavior began a downward spiral. I was a terrible husband, sporadically a good father and a personally needy person. Even major career success could not fill the hole inside; I had lost self esteem and confidence as a person. I continued to play the role of “business executive” well to prove my mettle and gave freely to others to try and fill the hole in me. The marriage ended and within a short time I took another lady hostage. I did the best I could as a parent, but my best left a lot of room for improvement. I wrecked the havoc that a person active in addictions does without meaning to upon those they care about the most. I use the word care, not love, for self-love was gone and you can’t give to others what you haven’t got for self!
Wife #2 moved out on me, the great provider. I truly cared about her more than anyone I had ever met, yet my selfish behavior caused her to run to save her own sanity; an act of real courage. I spiraled downwards very rapidly.
Here I was, 46, materially appearing successful, no higher power in my life, emotionally and spiritual bankrupt and as low as I could go- something- a miracle- said change and get help, and in a moment of clarity (following a police stop where a breathalyser clearly malfunctioned) I listened.
“Reluctantly, I opened my mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there was something to this spiritual lifestyle.
Slowly, but surely, I realized that there was indeed a Power greater than myself, and I soon found myself with a full-time God in my life and following a spiritual path that didn’t conflict with my personal religious convictions.”
- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 287
Today I have a relationship with a Higher Power (HP) that I found deep inside of me. I understand the prose “Footsteps” and daily, as I work on my spiritual fitness, more is shown to me. I know by the grace of my HP, the life I have today is a miracle and daily I feel gratitude for this gift given. I am truly grateful for the inner strength given to me that allowed me to make change and regain self respect. I have love in reserve today that I can give away, and I work hard to keep my tank full!
My religion is my life. While I respect others who find comfort within a “creed”, this has not been something I have sought out…..yet. While having gotten over my resentments about church and structured religion, I know churches are people and the individual dogmas to a large part man made with a need to be right. I’m OK in any religious facility because my personal HP comes with me.
END.
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? About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Still in This Crazy World
by Joli A. Campbell, C.L.C.
We, especially in the United States, have been inundated with panic over the recession. Another place for us to take our finger off the panic button would be about our money. Here are a few things to remember when thinking of our economy and the recession:
* While unemployment levels are up, they are starting to stabilize.
* When the stock market rides as dangerously high for as many years as it did before it plummeted last year this is normal…it has to stabilize at some point.
* Keep your retirement funds in place. Yes, right now they do not look good on paper, but remember those shares are yours even if they are not worth much right now they are still shares and they will eventually regain value. Ride it out, it will turn around.
I am not saying that the recession does not affect us, quite the contrary, we have seen a 20% pay cut in our own household. I think being realistic is better than pretending it is not going to happen and then being caught in a financial whirlwind. Therefore, for my clients, and myself I am saying the same thing as many financial advisors.
Stop spending money you do not have…NOW. The American public has spent entirely too much money on credit and the effects have become global. It has never been advisable to spend money you do not have. We have a strict rule in our house; “if you don’t have the cash, you don’t get the goods.”
Start saving…NOW! Pay yourself first. Money should be allotted to savings and interest bearing accounts as soon as it comes in. Start saving as much money as you can horde away, and start now even if it is only $5 here and there those nickels add up. It never hurts to save for a rainy day–even on a rainy day.
Here is a list of financial pointers that I have implemented successfully in my own home and with my clients:
* Use coupons.
* If possible never pay full price for anything, especially, clothing or big-ticket items.
* Look around online for coupon deals and codes before you buy online.
* Become a member of your favorite shopping websites, they often email coupons to you weekly and sometimes daily.
* GET RID of your credit cards except for emergencies. These gems should never be used unless you KNOW you will pay it off quickly. In addition, if you have outstanding credit card debt, pay it down in as large of chunks as you can afford–the interest will add up fast.
* Negotiate with anyone you can, your cable company, your phone company, your cell provider, your auto and homeowner’s insurance provider, your auto loan company, and even your hairdresser.
* Go green it eventually puts the green back in your wallet.
o Start buying CFC light bulbs; they reduce your electric bill.
o Buy Energy Star appliances.
o Wash your clothes in cold water.
o Take shorter showers.
o Water your lawn less.
o Turn off your electronic devices when not in use.
o Unplug chargers when devices are done charging.
o Turn out the lights when not in use.
o Turn down your water heater to the lowest tolerable setting.
o Turn down your heater and turn up your cooler to the most tolerable settings.
o Change the oil in your car when it is due for it, and keep the proper pressure in your tires, this reduces your gasoline usage and lowers your carbon footprint.
o Trade that gas-guzzler in for a vehicle that gets better gas mileage, saves money not only on gas but on insurance as well.
* Keep your car for a few years after you have paid it off. If it is still a good car then there is no need to trade up or get into another car payment.
* Consider taking a stay at home vacation and going to your local venues, like museums, the local zoo, and local national or state parks.
* Make family agreements for holiday gifts; for instance, no one spends more than $10 on a gift.
* When you find yourself wanting something ask yourself if you really need it or can you live without it.
* Earn a little extra cash on eBay.com or other similar sites by selling some of your unused and unwanted goods.
* If you are a crafter, start selling online at etsy.com.
* Become a member to businesses that pay you back for shopping with them, like your local co-op, and warehouse clubs.
The old adages of ‘work smarter not harder,’ and ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket,’ are sage advice in lean times or not (the key here is even when times are not lean spend smart and save smart.)
Use a method of budgeting your income, there are many out there from which to choose. The one I like the best and that works the easiest for us is divide your income into quarters. ¼ goes to home rent or mortgage expenses and bills, ¼ goes to all other household needs groceries and your daily expenses, ¼ to savings and insurance, ¼ for miscellaneous. There are others out there like splitting your income into 35% housing, 15% transportation, 25% life, 15% debt repayment, and 10% savings. Whatever you do pick a budgeting method and stick to it.
Really, the best advice again is instead of panicking get prepared.
Look to this day for it is life.
In its brief course lie all the realities and truths of existence,
The joy of growth, the glory of action,
The splendor of beauty…
Today well lived makes every
Yesterday a memory of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day…
~ancient Sanskrit proverb
END.
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? About the Author: Joli A. Campbell is a Writer, Photographer, and Certified Life Coach, her focus is on healthy choices that lead to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. In the past 15 years she has learned many helpful arts to further assist her clients including, Neuro Integration, Dream Interpretation, and Feng Shui. Please visit her website for further information: www.peoplemomentschoices.com. To contact Joli please visit her website.
Success Perspective
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
I’ve been asked a lot about success and achievement lately. Over time, I’ve come to believe that our success is not something that “just happens”. Our success or lack of success is a direct result of the decisions we make.
If we want to become wealthy, we must make wealthy decisions. If we want to become part of a healthy relationship, we must make healthy relationship decisions. If we want to become physically fit, we must make physically fit decisions. If we want to become more spiritual, we must make spiritual decisions.
This may seem overly simplified but this is where it starts. It starts with motivation. And motivation generates decision. The problem enters when we allow our emotions to interfere with our logical decision process.
Example: If you want to lose weight, your logical decisions should be to eat less and exercise more. Simple. Right? It’s simple until you allow your emotions to help make your weight loss decisions.
When your emotions enter the picture, you’ll soon notice that you’ve “decided” that “one piece of pie won’t hurt this one time.” After all you love pie. And then 2 pieces of pie and a bowl of ice cream later, you “decide” that you’ve already blown your eating habits to lose weight so what’s the point anymore.
You must keep your emotional decisions and logical decisions in check.
Example 2: If you’re trying to build wealth, you must make logical wealth building decisions. Simple again, right? Well let’s see… You’ve been making good decisions and sticking to your budget that is designed to definitely lead you down the road of wealth. But you’ve been renting this apartment and you know one day you want to buy a house. So instead of waiting, you go on ahead and start looking. You see a house you like and grow extremely attached to it. It’s got everything you’ve ever thought you might want in your dream home.
So you get pre-approved and qualify for more than you ever thought you could (of course). Even though this house is more than you were going to spend, you go ahead and make the offer, then the counter offer. You end up purchasing your dream home. But at what cost? You are now back to where you started – stretching to make ends meet and living paycheck to paycheck. Your emotions bled over into your logical decision making process. Far fetched? I’m not so sure.
This is a crucial point to success. We must keep our emotional and logical processes of decision making separate if we want to succeed in our own predetermined endeavors. Don’t get me wrong. Emotions have their place and are a great source of successful living. But when we need to make logical, life-changing decisions, it may be a good idea to keep emotions and logic separate.
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
TAKING ACTION-OUCH!
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
Thought to Ponder . . . Never mistake motion for action.
I read the book, sat on the sidelines at dances, talked the talk but didn’t get off my duff to actually dance. I dreamed I was mister dancing king, I fantasized what it would feel like, but when it came time to dance, reality was much different than fantasy!
I wanted to dance badly, and finally and reluctantly, I got someone to teach me in private. When I took action, I got results. Funny how that works.
I read a lot of blogs and stories done by people who profess to want a much improved life with dramatically changed behavior. I see many at meetings; talk with many as part of my coaching practice and after speaking engagements. I know for certain the only way to get results is to take action, and as with athletes, many need a “coach” to push them. Coaches come in many forms. The following is true in my own life and the lives of many. Forget the reference to AA and booze if it doesn’t fit and plug in any aspect of life you want to turn around! Quit talking and TAKE ACTION. Nike has it right….”JUST DO IT”.
“One of the most important things AA has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to take “right action.”
It says the promises will always materialize if I work for them.
Fantasizing about them, debating them, preaching about them and faking them just won’t work. “
I sincerely hope this strikes a cord with some who read this. Too many want to make major change in their life and/or claim to be in some form of recovery. They get caught in the “cosmic void” of life, and forget that to get the life you want there is only one path, and that path requires that YOU take action. Want to talk about what action looks like or need a kick start, maybe I can help. Feel free to make contact me – my contact info is below.
END.
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? About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
The Power of Conscious Mind
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
Last night, as is my norm on Thursday nights, I attended a regular small group discussion focused on the recovery of life.
The group is small and in that small size their is quite a bit of intimacy and trust. Age range is wide, and socio-economic and education levels are huge. A good cross section of our local population with a great group respect and openness.
I listen closely and learn at these sessions.
Last night, we were discus our individual faults and instincts that went out of balance. Every human has faults (defects of character) and at points in life, we all have natural instincts (dear, anger, sex, hunger, etc) go out of balance.
In listening to my fellows, I heard from several who had looked to their own pasts mirror what I have experienced myself; having been made and staying consciously ware of the defects I have, and asking on a daily basis to have them removed, they no longer play as destructive a role in my life as they once did.
There is a tremendous power in being consciously aware, particularly on a daily basis.
While natural instinct are a part of us (things like fear, sex, hunger, sleep etc.) are given to us to survive, instincts and actions (honesty, trust, eating, greed-the deadly sins) can get out of balance without our knowing and lead us, and those around us, on a journey of internal hell and ultimately destruction. Being consciously aware and taking action opens up a whole new road; a far healthier option.
While still having defects of character (the Co-Creative Process of Life Recovery has made me conscious of what they are) they do not impact on my life as negatively as they once did, and funnily enough, I am not do some of the very destructive things (drinking, drugging, lying, cheating) that I once did and SURPRISE, I am reasonably content with the life I have. Through the power of conscious awareness we realize we are not perfect and never will be. But by conscious recognition of our defects and a sincere desire to have them removed, we can have a new freedom in our lives.
Thank you for allowing me to listen to some great discussion and for the reminders I received. May this learning help my journey and allow me to better help others to find their own right journey to recovery.
END.
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? About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Times of Reprogramming
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
Life recovery is not all tiresome, unrewarded work. It is work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem.
These are the times when what we’ve been practicing in life recovery begins to show in our life. These times of change are intense but purposeful.
There are also times when, at a deep level, we are being “reprogrammed.” We start letting go of beliefs and behaviors. We may feel frightened or confused during these times. Our old behaviors or patterns may not have worked for us, but they were comfortable and familiar.
During these times we may feel vulnerable, lonely, and needy – like we are on a journey without a road map or a flashlight, and we feel as if no one has traveled this ground before. We are glad to have a coach to call upon.
We may not understand what is being worked out in us. We may not know where or if we are being led. We trust.
We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working His finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We have been led to someone who can help us, someone who can help us find the markers we need.
We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold.
Recovery is a healing process. We can trust it, even when we don’t understand it. We are right where we need to be in this process; we’re going through exactly what we need to experience. And where we’re going is better than any other place we’ve been.
END.
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? About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Unemployed Cross Builder Seeks Work
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
Find this heading a little strange? One of the biggest issues I find people facing that I work with is the ongoing search for personal perfection. Can you relate?
Find this heading a little strange? Before I offend anyone of rigid Christian faith, it is not my intent. Please understand that my beliefs in a higher power are in keeping with the fundamentals of formal religions, but I do not profess to be of any religion. I respect all who gain strength from their faith.
I read a book called the BIBLE. Great stuff to be learnt in there. In the “New Testament” the central character is a man named Jesus Christ who was a marvelous teacher. The book also tells me HE was perfect.
His reward, a group who were afraid of his teachings and his perfection tried to kill him by nailing Him to a cross.
With so many people seeking perfection, and not readily knowing where to by a cross for those who succeed in the achievement of perfection, I thought there might be an opportunity to build crosses for perfect people. So far, I’m dramatically under employed; I haven’t had my first customer yet.
So if you know a truly perfect person who needs a cross, please send them my way. If you are trying to be perfect in every way, please keep my number close by and call when you need your cross-wood only!
I think you get the point. The search for perfection and expectation that it will happen may well kill you. In my own life, things turned around dramatically when I sought progress, not perfection. I will never be a customer for a cross, I can now accept that through being taught by others and an intimate relationship with myself, a higher power and many “teachers” that have been a part of my life. I may be able to build a cross; I’ll never be worthy to occupy one in a biblical sense.
Want to learn about you, and achieve more out of life with the talents within you, while accepting you’re not perfect? Want to learn how to accept your best is good enough? Want to reduce the amount you beat yourself up for not being perfect? Want to stop feeling that in some way you are a failure?
We can help. The “Co-Creative Process of Life Recovery” uses proved spiritual foundations to help you build a foundation for the life you dream about. It works. We coach using it and are prepared to spend an hour with you on the phone to see if we make a good team. Get in touch by going to www.hopeserenity.ca and clicking contact or Ask Keith.
You might not need a cross, but we offer other things that will help you with your life journey.
END.
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? About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
What are the Kids Saying?
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
Kids’ whining, tantrums, lying, cheating, swearing, or stealing can stretch the most patient parents! What can we do about that?
As the saying goes, it’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. In other words, the best way to make tantrums and swearing louder is to give attention to them and curse them. If you join in, believe them, and argue with them, the intensity and frequency will rise, guaranteed. That’s probably not what you want.
Do you want to translate those messages so they’re easier to hear and find out what’s really going on? Do you want to co-create solutions to the problems rather than making them worse?
Trying to make these behaviours stop is like trying to direct the wind. Instead, explore the conflict first rather than fix it or make it into something else. Instead, shine your light on the heart of the matter and the essential message your kids are trying to say. You’ll know when your efforts are helping your child to learn when there is movement from angry to sad.
How to do that in 5 steps:
Step 1: Take a deep breath. Go ahead, take another because this isn’t easy.
Remind yourself: Cooling down helps us see the whole picture and creatively solve problems. Before cooling down, my child likely needs to vent just like I do sometimes. My child can sink into my loving arms. I am not a bad parent because my kids do these things. Most kids act this way from time to time. My kids are doing the best they can to communicate that they have unmet needs.
Step 2: Don’t take what your kids are doing personally. Do not fix anything at first. Rather than thinking about ’conflict resolution’, think of ‘conflict exploration’ with the emphasis on ‘exploration’. Now, how would you get into that space of curiosity and learning? Invite your kids to help you to understand the very important and valuable reasons why we do the things we do (i.e., our fundamental needs and that essential message I mentioned earlier).
Step 3: Everything we do and say is the best way we know how to meet our needs. Is your child feeling frustrated because something didn’t work out the way he wanted? These hard-to-hear behaviours are a request for help. Listening and silence are your best tools here.
Step 4: You know yourself and your kids best. Take a chance and make a guess out loud if it feels right. Do this to check that you understand what your child is reacting to. Did you understand them in the way they hoped? If not, check in again.
Step 5: When you both agree that you understand each other, you’ll notice a shift into sadness, a pause, and then to solving the problem in more effective ways than whining, tantrums, lying, cheating, swearing, or stealing. Take a minute to notice how each of you is changed by the dialogue. Do you have new ideas, a fresh perspective, or trust in each other?
These steps may happen over several minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Take your time.
Why would my child lie, cheat, or steal?
Lying, cheating, and stealing are relatively good options when you don’t want someone to know about what you’re doing. If we fear punishment and vulnerability, it may be the best we can do. Our children, just like us, have learned to do things without getting caught.
Following the above 5 steps and listening deeply to what is behind the message facilitates honesty, integrity, respect, and cooperation. When you seek to understand rather than fix what you believe is ‘wrong’ behaviour, you invite exploration and learning.
Two of my young children told me today what they enjoy in a “good mommy”. They said that they like to be free to say anything. So the next time you hear whining, tantrums, or stealing, choose to listen to what your kids are really saying instead of adding fuel to the fire, don’t try to fix anything. Seek to understand. Many times our children say and do things that are hard for us to figure out. When we take the time to be with them in loving comfort and understanding, we create deep connection and enriching relationships. In time, they may learn how to communicate more clearly and easily.
“It’s a life-long challenge developing ways to deal ‘with the mad that we feel’. Those who care for children early on by helping them develop loving healthy inner controls are offering them one of the great gifts of their lives.” Fred Rogers
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
Live Life With No Regrets
by Kenya Johnson, M.P.G.C.
Have you ever lacked the drive or the motivation to finish a goal? I think we have all been there. I am sure that most of us started this year with hopes to change and upgrade only to find ourselves at the same point a month later. What is the tool needed to accomplish goals from the most simplistic to the hardest? Well, it all boils down to motivation and the source in which it comes from. I have been doing some research on motivation and how it functions in our everyday lives. I have found that motivation comes from one or two sources: Extrinsic (outside) or Intrinsic (inside).
Extrinsic motivation is when you are motivated by external factors, as opposed to the internal drivers of intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation compels you to do things for tangible rewards or pressures, rather than for the fun of it. Do you find yourself completing a goal just for what type of reward you will receive? These outside rewards can be anything from money to employment. Most of us find it easier to finish a goal when we have something tangible in sight.
Intrinsic motivation is when you are motivated by internal factors, as opposed to the external drivers of extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation compels you to do things just for the fun of it, or because you believe it is a good or right thing to do. There is a conflict of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is far stronger a motivator than extrinsic motivation, yet external motivation can easily act to displace intrinsic motivation. Most people’s hobbies are intrinsically motivated. Notice the passion with which people collect little bits of china or build model cars. Few people carry that amount of passion into their workplace.
What is the source of your motivation?
Philippians 3:14-15 – Message Bible: “So let’s keep focused on that Goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less then total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that were on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
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? About the Author: Kenya Johnson, M.P.G.C., is owner of The Total Makeover Company, LLC, working to help enhance your personal growth. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit The Total Makeover, LLC, on the web at www.thetotalmakeover.com
What is Your Objective? (Communication is more than words.)
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
When I spoke to one person I knew for many years, I was confused because my new skills seemed to help to end that relationship. I thought I was trying to resolve a conflict. I believed these skills didn’t work or I didn’t do them right. So I tried again around the same time when I spoke to my dying mother. These new skills helped us to deepen our connection and mutual understanding. We experienced unconditional love and it felt wonderful! Yet another time, I felt confused again when I tried to speak to my husband using the communication formula that I had just learned. He nearly had a fit and wondered what kind of therapy I was trying to pull over on him.
Same strategy and three different results…hmmm… Why?
I believe the difference was in my objectives, what I was aiming for at the time I chose to speak. For each relationship and each communication, I intended different things. At the same time, I put more faith in the strategies rather than in myself.
In the first example, I felt frustrated and ambiguous to change the situation. Concerned by my mother’s well-being and focused on spending more time with her before she died, my intention was on nurturing that relationship. In my heart, my care was elsewhere. It was not on the conflict with the other person. I just wanted the fighting to stop. In one way, it did.
In the second example with my mother, I wanted to deeply connect with her. Despite my clumsy interpretation of what I was learning at the time, love and understanding poured from my heart. My focus, and the results, were congruent again.
In the last example where I tried a new communication format with my husband, my intention was on the technique. I forgot about the dialogue, and I forgot to trust myself. No wonder he wanted the “real” me! I learned then (and I remind myself as often as I can) that authenticity, understanding, and my focus are more important than trying to “get it right”. As long as I have the objective to understand…to be curious rather than be right…then the words and actions I choose will likely lead me in that direction. The intention I have in my heart will likely lead me to where I want to go.
This is your coaching assignment for this week if you choose to accept it: Think of a challenge you have right now. Check in with yourself and your heart. Express yourself truthfully while respecting others’ needs to do the same. Seek to understand rather than being right.
“Communication works for those who work at it.” John Powell
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
Window of Souls
by Daris Reno Blickman, M.S.L.C.
As I was a young child, those around me would say, she has such a lively spirit but still she has wisdom far beyond her years, where shall her spirit go.., is it free like the wind?
Spirits we all possess is the window of our soul, the glimpse of our nature and hearts for others to see. Is our spirit that reaches out to touch the others.
Some have spirits of peace, they are our blanket of comfort, we stand in their presence and feel as if the world can wait one more second, rush no more.
Some spirits gentle like the rain, the slow washing of our souls and leaving those of us in the presence feeling as if our hand has been held for the life time of friendship.
Others have spirits of energy, lights bouncing off the walls of time, standing close, you breathe in the need to charge ahead, nothing impossible, no time to wait.
Maybe you know one who has restless spirit, one whose path is well worn from the back and forth motion, spirits that need movement and seek constant paths that twist and turn, making some of us weary caught in their path.
Spirit of pain, heart burning in fire of emotions, turmoil within and sadness outside. Always seeking for the band aid that will cease the fire for a moment at a time.
Spirit of love, unconditional, is a rare one, one that gives to all spirits for they want all to be needed and feel whole, most of all valued.
Spirit of goodness, looking beyond our cracked glass and seeing the reflection of what could be within ourselves, offering their help for to cure our souls.
Spirit of anger, this spirit needs to destroy and seeks revenge for what ever they crime against them may be at any time. This spirit struggles with insecurities and usually destroys their soul, for they know not when to say enough and heal themselves.
Spirit of knowledge, they have wisdom from the other time, lessons leaned from past lives, the Great Spirit guides their soul, they seek to connect with the other spirits and show them the path that leads to their future,
And least but not forgotten, Free Spirit, one that guides itself through the winding path, one that has been given the gift to connect to all and knows not a boundary, Free Spirits seep into you heart and soul, they lift you up and help the wind to carry you down the path,
In all, we need spirits, we need our soul, to breath and eat the fruits of our souls, to connect, to give, to love and to be, not individuals but one, one wind, one song, one stand, one voice above the others in harmony,
It is these windows that we need to open to each other and bring the light unto our souls, spirits we have, spirits we share and souls we shall be.
END.
? About the Author: Ms. Daris Reno Blicknan, M.S.L.C., is a Certified LIFE Coach and Master SPIRIT LIFE Coach. Daris is currently working with several Non Profits in the areas of disabilities, at risk teens and domestic violence issues. Daris is also a member of the Cherokee’s of Alabama and is involved with Public Relations work for the tribe. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca.
Curiosity Transforms Fear
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein
Watch a child examine a bug for the first time. What do you see?
Wide eyes looking closely, touching, tasting, and asking “what’s that?” or “what does it do?”
Curiosity is an emotion growing out of a need for exploration, investigation, and learning. We see it in many animals including humans. It’s an alert, energized state we experience when we want to learn more about something.
Curiosity is stimulated by something new, a puzzle, a riddle, a provocative question, and a desire to understand.
In that moment, nothing else matters but connection and understanding.
When that happens to me, I feel secure, playful, creative, energized, and fascinated. Do you?
Curiosity is easy when we experience something interesting and something we enjoy. What about those times when we don’t enjoy what we’re hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling, or even thinking about? Without curiosity, we can feel frustrated, dreadful, angry, afraid, or insecure. I learned that our left mind analyzes the past, is fearful of the future, and has a tendency to be redundant. When we are judging right from wrong, analyzing, and making sense of the world, it is our left mind that is helping us out.
Curiosity, on the other hand, is a matter of attitude and choice. When we are curious, our right brain is engaged. Our right mind is adventurous, celebrates abundance, and brings new insights when old beliefs and behaviours no longer serve us.
Hard to believe? I used to think so too.
Then I learned that if I choose curiosity and understanding, I could change the way I responded, inviting others to feel curious too, and create new solutions that moved me past fear and anger. The more I do that, the more I want to learn ways to do it more!
I have learned that it’s easier to do when I’m rested and have focused attention. When is it easier for you to feel creative and curious?
“I define responsibility (response-ability) as the ability to choose how we respond to stimulation coming in through our sensory systems at any moment in time. Although there are certain limbic system (emotional) programs that can be triggered automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream…Once triggered, the chemical release by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.” …“We have the power to chose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world.” Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.
Here’s your challenge for this week: What would it take for you to feel curious and playful about yourself, your world, and the people around you?
How would you shift to a state of curiosity in the face of discomfort, fear, or anger? Imagine talking to your left and right brains. What would each say?
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C. is a Certified Family Communications Coach. She supports compassionate communication, conflict resolution for all ages, and Collaborative Divorce. If you think your kids or partner are driving you nuts, then visit www.CompassionateSolutions.ca, sign up for your free newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now! Wendy offers a free preview Coaching and Consultation Session for new clients and regular group coaching calls.
Dharma
by Joli A. Campbell, C.L.C.
Dharma is a Sanskrit concept meaning: each individual’s unique, ideal purpose in life, and the knowledge of how and where to find it. Dharma in simpler terms means to be you fully, to live in respect and to follow your own path while acknowledging the same in others. Knowing your dharma leads to knowing the answers to life’s big questions: Who am I? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? How do I fulfill and live my purpose? If you happen to know this, you are far ahead of the game. I do not know completely, but I do have a full understanding of what it means to allow dharma its full birth, in others and myself.
It is, as a coach, imperative to not judge someone else’s seeking or knowledge of self. My own fault is in how often I judge myself. How often do you judge yourself? I find it much easier to allow someone else their space to discover who and what they are. I have had to learn how to do this for myself. My job as a coach is to bring one closer to their dharmic self.
I found myself contemplating dharma with news from my hometown where a staggering number of teens have committed suicide recently. The people who have talked to me about it have really gotten lost in the ‘why’ of it. Suicide is an individual choice. Survival is a choice. Living is a choice. I know this might be hard to take for some of you, but it might just be that person’s dharmic purpose was to commit suicide.
What if:
* They came here to do that one act.
* They came here to be the sign for those around them to wake up, shift their purpose, or to make the changes in their life that puts them on the right path.
* Their soul was the only soul that knew exactly why they were to come here and leave here in such a manner.
Is it truly, on a soul level, any different from dying at 14 years old of cancer, or at 21 years old in an unexplainable car wreck?
If everything happens for a reason, who are we to question who, what, when, where or why of it? As for the ‘why’ it leads to nowhere it is an endless loop that truly may not be any of our business and letting go of the ‘why’ brings us closer to our dharma.
The point I want to recognize in talking about dharma is this: when we feel uneasy, we do not understand a situation, or we are left questioning the bigger picture, it is our dharmic right to ask these questions of our selves, but we are instantly off target to ask these questions for someone else’s life.
Dharma I believe is interlaced with love, if you truly love a person then you set them free to be exactly who they came here to be. You allow them to live their dharma just as you wish to live your own…in total abandon and freedom from explanation. There is no better place to practice this concept than in everyday life with everyone, even if you do not love everyone. Bless them and say a little prayer for their journey to fulfill their dharma.
END.
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? About the Author: Joli A. Campbell is a Writer, Photographer, and Certified Life Coach, her focus is on healthy choices that lead to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. In the past 15 years she has learned many helpful arts to further assist her clients including, Neuro Integration, Dream Interpretation, and Feng Shui. Please visit her website for further information: www.peoplemomentschoices.com. To contact Joli please visit her website.
Different Levels of Abilities
by Daris Reno Blickman, M.S.L.C.
Every morning, I do what most of us do, I go to work (after my friend the Coffee Cup pays me a visit, we would not want Daris drooling during the meetings, would we?).
Some days I dress up, to walk in the business world, other days I am in jeans and the oldest tee shirt I own, knee deep in dishes, window cleaners, even beer bottles for they need to be broken and discarded, sometimes I am rolling silverware, folding pizza boxes. Many days, I am dressed up and knocking on doors to find jobs for clients,
Really, what job would consist of such things, why would anyone want to take a job where everyday, you are at different place, learning new jobs, some fun and many tiring for the day becomes long,
I would, well in all honesty, I did not know that I would until a couple of years ago. My expertise is in PR/Networking, Fundraising for non profits, Event Planning. Why in the world would I want to learn how to fold a pizza box and why is that job even necessary, this is the question that many have asked me daily,
Let me tell you why,
A couple of years ago, my school district approached me, asked if I could help the high school students find jobs, they needed someone with Pr/Networking experience to help within the communities. Perfect job for me, Boy I was happy, put on my dancing shoes and off I went to check it out,
Imagine my surprise when I went to see my students, all with disabilities, from severe disabilities, not able to speak, move, or lift any item over one pound, that’s right, They needed a job. Others were autistic, down syndrome, some did not have any social skills, some had disorders plus medical problems such a cancer, seizures and one could not remember anything taught to him after five minutes, due to a brain trauma at birth, at risk youth who lived on the street, no one cared about them, so why should they care about themselves?
Talk about a challenge, of course I took it, I am educated somewhat in this area of disabilities also. I was very excited to have the opportunity to teach my students many things, Wrong Again,
For it was I that was taught more then I taught, here are the beautiful lessons that I learned along my journey.
First question, Why do we have a word such as Disabilities in the first place? Just put the Dis in any word that pertains to these individuals and negativity abounds everywhere,
I learned that there is are disabilities, but as individuals, we have Different levels of abilities within all of us, there are many talents to be discovered, hidden gems of knowledge that are well needed by the communities,
It was interesting to go out into our communities and try in my best PR voice explain why Johnny would do so well as an employee of their company, remember we cannot speak about what they cannot do because of physical and mentally limitations,
I had to create jobs many times and show the owners why this was needed, Then I had to bring in Johnny for the interview and many times pray that they would see his golden light shining through, for I did!
Which brings me back to the lessons, Joy, what joy they had when they realized that they had value to others, that someone believed they could do a job, and even pay them for doing this job, how many times I have seen these wonderful individuals do for free what others get paid to do, how unfair of this to still happen,
Love, what love they had for the other employees, the friendships, the bonding, and how they were included in the everyday conversations, how they were missed if they were ill and could not work that day,
Independence, a new meaning for the old word that we take for granted, I remember the day one of my students figured out what a paycheck meant, he could buy the stuffed animal that his sister had wanted, the happiness, he went and thanked the boss many times for the job, we could barely get him out of the store, Now he had memory problems and rarely remembered that he got a paycheck, still not many dry eyes every two weeks when they handed it to him, for we started all over again,
Which brings me to another lesson, Giving, for many gave their checks to the mothers, so that milk could be bought that week, there was little money in the family, or they took their checks and bought themselves a candy bar and spent the rest on others. I remember the first gift I received from one of my clients, I cried like a baby,
Which brings me to the last lesson for the day, To Be Humble, I thank the Creator for the greatest lesson taught to me. I humbled myself, for to teach any student a job, I had to learn it myself, thus, washing windows, throwing away beer bottles, cleaning bathrooms, taking in carts at stores, washing dishes, dusting the entire restaurant, hanging up clothes and being a greeter, just saying hello and goodbye to those entering/leaving the stores,
Now I have recently moved on to working with adults with different levels of abilities (Get it!). Many of my students still come through my office looking for jobs for they have left the high school and once again, I am blessed all over,
So next time you see someone that has different abilities then you, smile and remind yourself that they have lessons to teach all of us, They have value to give as well, we should thank the Great One for the gifts he has given to each of us, especially the ones with different levels of abilities, for if you think about it, we are one of them, our own abilities are just as different in their eyes,
Thank you Great One, may you continue to bless me with such lessons so that my spirit will grow and I shall stay true to my path.?
END.
? About the Author: Ms. Daris Reno Blicknan, M.S.L.C., is a Certified LIFE Coach and Master SPIRIT LIFE Coach. Daris is currently working with several Non Profits in the areas of disabilities, at risk teens and domestic violence issues. Daris is also a member of the Cherokee’s of Alabama and is involved with Public Relations work for the tribe. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca.
Ego and the Addictive Mind
by Joli A. Campbell, C.L.C.
While many people do not realize it…they are addicted…to something. I think that it would be great to really stop and investigate what in your life is stopping you, is it a ritual, is it obsessive thinking, is it living in the past or thinking always in a past tense, is it chocolate or coffee or cookies, is it alcohol, or is it your God?
The only way to know is to identify a ritualistic thing you do and try to let it go…see what the challenge becomes. Can you let it go? Can you live without it?
A few years ago I found out that I was addicted to mind chatter, I was constantly in my head talking to myself…this only became a problem when the voice in my head wouldn’t listen or shut up…thus causing severe anxiety and insomnia.
The one thing I realized was that all I needed to do was SHUT-UP; easier said than done. The ego liked having control over my mind so getting it into the background again instead of the foreground of my mind became an obsession all in of itself. It was Tolle’s “The Power of Now” that did it for me.
I started practicing conscious breathing, as this is the first and easiest way to get into the NOW. The effects were immediate; oxygen to the brain is an amazing thing.
So what are you addicted too and can you stop yourself?
How much do you do as an excuse to avoid living?
END.
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? About the Author: Joli A. Campbell is a Writer, Photographer, and Certified Life Coach, her focus is on healthy choices that lead to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life. In the past 15 years she has learned many helpful arts to further assist her clients including, Neuro Integration, Dream Interpretation, and Feng Shui. Please visit her website for further information: www.peoplemomentschoices.com. To contact Joli please visit her website.
Enhancing Creativity Skills
by Evie Harrison, C.L.C., M.S.L.C.
Learning how to be creative is actually a little challenging to digest since some creative people are just born that way – they can immediately write, draw, paint, act without even trying too hard to succeed at it. And in some cases if you are born into parents who are writers or parents who are artists, then there is a greater chance that you might inherit all of these wonderful talents.
There are, however, some people who don’t draw, write, or act inherently well, but would like to enhance these skills. On the other end of the spectrum, there are also some writers, artists, painters, cartoonists who already dabble at these and still would like to enhance or improve them. This only confirms the idea that there is always room for improvement, no matter how much of an expert you are.
The thing is, it only takes so much to enhance these skills. And quite ironically, most of these are developed not with a pencil, a coloring book, or a crayon, but with taking a look at your surroundings and observing the people that you associate with everyday (including your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers or school mates).
Observing these people or things actually makes you take notice of the minute facts and details. It gives the painter an idea of what color the skin tone is, gives the illustrator an image of the correct shape of a neighbor’s face, gives the writer a picture of how his co-worker interacts with other workmates.
When all of these are put together, creative enhancement, based on inspiration, is bound to take shape. By observing others, one develops a greater sense and understanding of events and occurrences. This is what helps you deepen your approach and make your products more relevant and meaningful.
In dealing with creativity skills, there are no rules and regulations. Instead, the effect would be free flowing. Don’t limit yourself, and have the courage to take risks and try things out. Mix and match all those colors, play with words, develop something awesome out of the ordinary, continuously create and invent, even if at first it seems silly. After all, creativity is not just confined in the classrooms, but is actually felt and experienced. And the fact that every masterpiece bears the subjectiveness of its creator makes you all the more free to do just anything you want, in any way you so wish.
There is no right or wrong answer to boosting creativity, so you don’t have to be scared of failing. In fact, the upside to failing the first time is that you get multiple opportunities to try again. Who knows, you might discover something new and more interesting along the way. Just go do what you feel like doing, let your surroundings guide you, and watch your ideas flourish.
END.
? About the Author: Evie Harrison, C.L.C., M.S.L.C., is a Certified LIFE Coach and Master SPIRIT LIFE Coach who specializes in Career Coaching within the private sector. Evie has been a long-time graduate and friend of Express Coaching™ and we appreciate her return to our newsletter. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca.
Finding the Courage to Effectively Lead
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
We all face hardships at some point in our lives. Some of us own responsibility and get on with our lives while most of us blame others. When you own responsibility for yourself you empower yourself. You are the cause and your life experiences are the results in your life. You determine the direction of your life. You are in control of your life.
If you are not able to explain why your life is as it is, you are probably giving your power away to someone else, are you? Most of us tend to blame something else or someone else or our fate for all bad experiences in our life such as abusive childhood, loss of a loved one or broken relationships. When you are not in control of yourself or your life that means you are powerless. Blaming is a disempowering emotion.
If you think by blaming others for your life you are getting away from problems you are completely wrong. Your life problems would stay the same and recur again and again as long as you make someone else responsible for your life. You give others power to control you and your life. So your life problems would tend to stay the way they are until you take back your power and claim full responsibility for your emotions, actions and life as a whole.
True empowerment is taking responsibility for your life so that you are free to do whatever you want to do and be anything you choose to be.
Here are 4 tips to empower you:
1) Make your own choices – Life is full of choices and you have the freedom to choose. You learn only through trial and error. Be bold and accept the outcome of your decisions. If your choice is correct, be happy. If not do not blame yourself or others. Instead, analyze where you went wrong and correct yourself. The next time around, you may be able to make the right choices.
2) Practice deep breathing – If you make it a habit to practice deep breathing throughout the day, you would have clarity in your thoughts. You feel more relaxed to think clearly and make good judgments of your situations.
3) Feel grateful – Gratitude is something we never show for many things we enjoy in our life. Instead of cursing your problems look around you and realize how blessed you are to have nature bestow you good health, sunshine, food, good relationships, fresh air, etc. When you feel grateful for these things you are convinced that life is not bad at all.
4) Develop mental awareness – Observe your thoughts. Are they good or bad? Are they positive or negative? If your thoughts are positive it is good. You could act on them with positive results. What if you have negative thoughts? You could still control them if you are aware of them. Empower yourself by being aware of your good and bad thoughts.
When you deal with your own pains and pleasures you are the controller of your life. Just know that no one else could take away your power to control your life and events because you are the master of your destiny.
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
12 Tips to be Happy
by Evie Harrison, C.L.C., M.S.L.C.
As we move into the 2009 we find that the more things change the more they stay the same. People are worried all the time about every little thing in life. Come to think of it, is it really worth it? If you could change things around would you?. And if you could not, the best way forward is to accept it and move on with life. Remember, we cannot control anyone else’s thoughts, feelings or actions. Not even through the power of metaphysical thought or by using the Law of Attraction. So here I offer a way forward.
Try to be cheerful and happy and soon you would realize that life is not that bad at all. But how could one be happy? Here are some great tips that teach you to be happy. Read on but promise to pass it on to others.
· Understand that simple things such as a bird’s song, cool air, sunshine, etc. could make you happy.
· Mingle with happy people – mix with those who are merry and joyous. You could catch it on if you have an open mind and spread it around you.
· Do not dwell in self-pity – wallowing in self-pity lowers your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you could take action be quick to correct troubling situations. If it is beyond you, you may just forget it and carry on your life with a happy outlook. Who knows what is in store for you in future? Be hopeful instead of drowning yourself in self-pity
· Love yourself – if you cannot love yourself it is difficult to love others.
· Laugh at adversity – who does not have problems in life? When you laugh at your difficulties, you would realize they become insignificant and you feel lighter
· Be healthy – good health is a great factor in making you happy.
· Believe that you deserve happiness – believe that happiness is your birthright and you deserve to be happy. It is after all your choice and no body could take it away from you if you choose to stick on to it.
· Engage in different kinds of activities than your usual routine – breaking the routine sometimes makes life interesting. Look into ways of changing your routing and you may enjoy it.
· Choose to be happy – you have the ability to take positive or negative approach to your issues. If you choose a positive approach, happiness is easy to reach.
· Develop a sense of gratitude – whenever you feel that you lack something in life remember all those things that you have in your life you could be thankful for such as a roof over your head, a decent family, your physical and personal strengths, etc. This should make you happy for what you have in your life.
· Avoid negativism – fill yourself with positivism that would make you see life in new colors and shades. You would see life with new eyes and bubbling energy. That is happiness.
· Learn to laugh at yourself – this is an excellent approach to life. Everyone makes mistakes. Your errors are only bad if you take them seriously. Just laugh at yourself if you err and your heart would lighten up.
Remember, it does not cost you a penny to be happy. Your life and the choices you make are all up to you. The power rests in your hands. Isn’t that reason enough to be happy?
END.
? About the Author: Evie Harrison, C.L.C., M.S.L.C., is a Certified LIFE Coach and Master SPIRIT LIFE Coach who specializes in Career Coaching within the private sector. Evie has been a long-time graduate and friend of Express Coaching™ and we appreciate her return to our newsletter. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca.
4-Tips to Empower Yourself
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
We all face hardships at some point in our lives. Some of us own responsibility and get on with our lives while most of us blame others. When you own responsibility for yourself you empower yourself. You are the cause and your life experiences are the results in your life. You determine the direction of your life. You are in control of your life.
If you are not able to explain why your life is as it is, you are probably giving your power away to someone else, are you? Most of us tend to blame something else or someone else or our fate for all bad experiences in our life such as abusive childhood, loss of a loved one or broken relationships. When you are not in control of yourself or your life that means you are powerless. Blaming is a disempowering emotion.
If you think by blaming others for your life you are getting away from problems you are completely wrong. Your life problems would stay the same and recur again and again as long as you make someone else responsible for your life. You give others power to control you and your life. So your life problems would tend to stay the way they are until you take back your power and claim full responsibility for your emotions, actions and life as a whole.
True empowerment is taking responsibility for your life so that you are free to do whatever you want to do and be anything you choose to be.
Here are 4 tips to empower you:
1) Make your own choices – Life is full of choices and you have the freedom to choose. You learn only through trial and error. Be bold and accept the outcome of your decisions. If your choice is correct, be happy. If not do not blame yourself or others. Instead, analyze where you went wrong and correct yourself. The next time around, you may be able to make the right choices.
2) Practice deep breathing – If you make it a habit to practice deep breathing throughout the day, you would have clarity in your thoughts. You feel more relaxed to think clearly and make good judgments of your situations.
3) Feel grateful – Gratitude is something we never show for many things we enjoy in our life. Instead of cursing your problems look around you and realize how blessed you are to have nature bestow you good health, sunshine, food, good relationships, fresh air, etc. When you feel grateful for these things you are convinced that life is not bad at all.
4) Develop mental awareness – Observe your thoughts. Are they good or bad? Are they positive or negative? If your thoughts are positive it is good. You could act on them with positive results. What if you have negative thoughts? You could still control them if you are aware of them. Empower yourself by being aware of your good and bad thoughts.
When you deal with your own pains and pleasures you are the controller of your life. Just know that no one else could take away your power to control your life and events because you are the master of your destiny.
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
5 Key Points to Building Self-Esteem
by Kenya Johnson, M.P.G.C.
A major key to building self-esteem and developing a healthy body image is loving who you are. I know, it is easier said than done. This is a hard task when you are constantly inundated with negative thoughts and feelings about you. Getting to a healthy self-esteem or body image will not happen overnight. Just like anything else it will take some work, but it can be accomplished.
The first thing you need to do is stop the pity party. You know what I am talking about those moments that you sit, cry and complain about what’s not right. You make your own happiness. What I mean by that is you have a choice to be happy or sad. You can choose to waddle in self pity or you can pick yourself up and move forward. It is your choice.
The second thing is change your speech or the things you say about yourself. When you look into the mirror what do you see? Is the first thing that pops into your head something negative? Is the first thing you say something negative about the way you look? Stop! It is time to focus on the positive things, the good attributes. Focus on what you like and build from there.
The third thing you can do is love on yourself. Do something that makes you feel good. Pamper yourself, take a nature walk, whatever it is make sure it is something you love and enjoy doing. This not only makes you feel good, it also shows everyone else that you love yourself and take pride in who you are.
The fourth thing you should do is surround yourself with positive people. Build a support network. These are people that have your best interest at hand. Your support network can consist of family and friends that will build you up and encourage you when you are down. They will tell you the truth in love so that you continue to grow as a person. This is important and key to your transformation.
The fifth thing is understanding that everything is a process. These things will not fall into place overnight. You have to work at them. If you have a bad day, don’t go back to the pity parties. Remember tomorrow is a new day and you can start over. Don’t give up!
END.
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? About the Author: Kenya Johnson, M.P.G.C., is owner of The Total Makeover Company, LLC, working to help enhance your personal growth. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit The Total Makeover, LLC, on the web at www.thetotalmakeover.com.
Did You Know You Are Already Abundant?
by Gary Glasscock, M.L.C., M.S.L.C.
Now after reading the title of this article, you might wonder about my sanity. You might be saying to yourself, “Yeah right, I am already abundant. So where’s it at?”
Well, the short answer is, right in front of you. That’s right, your abundance stares you in the face, each and every day, but if you are like most people, they never even see it.
You see, if you live in pretty much ANY industrialized nation, you have so much abundance at your fingertips already, that to some people it would seem outrageous for you to claim otherwise. It’s all in your perspective – and by the time you’ve finished reading this, I hope that perspective has changed.
Let me tell you about people in Bangladesh. I’m sure you wondering, “What has Bangladesh got to do with Abundance?” Just read on and you will soon see. Fist off, according to the Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics, as of July 2008 the average income is $589. That’s annual income.
How many of us in the developed world could even think about living on $589 a year? One rickshaw driver was quoted about his income and he states he makes about 6,000 taka a month. Just so you know, that’s about $86, which means his annual income would be just $1,032.
How many of you would be able to even think of living on $1,032 a year, much less actually do it? Could you live on $1,032 a year? I guess I could, although I would imagine that I would only be able to do so if I moved to the woods somewhere and set up camp, but really, even that’s a luxury to the people of Bangladesh.
The thing is, this rickshaw driver is living above the average for Bangladesh, so he would probably be seen as doing very well for himself. But seriously, think about it for a minute, what all do you have around you already? How did you acquire all this stuff? I’m sure it didn’t just magically appear out of nowhere, you had to go out and get it.
Now, here’s where it gets good. If you weren’t already abundant to begin with, you wouldn’t have been able to go out and get any of that stuff! Zip, nada, nothing is what you would have if you weren’t already abundant.
One of the best things to help you see your own abundance is to do something that we’ve heard people say many times before, and that is “count your blessings.”
That’s right, daily examine your life and take stock of all that you do have already.
• Are you healthy?
• Do you have a source of income?
• Do you have a home?
• Do you have a spouse of significant other?
• Did you see the sun shining this morning?
I could go on and on asking you a bunch of questions, but really, you need to be asking yourself these things already. And daily at that!
As you count your blessings every day, always express true, heartfelt gratitude for each and every thing, person, pet, whatever, you have in your life. Once you start doing these two things, your perspective will change and you will see that you are truly already abundant!
END.
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About the Author: Gary Glasscock, M.C.L.C., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Training Officer of Quest Coach Training™ and a working life coach. Gary specializes in working with individuals to regain control of their lives as well as live a more peaceful, abundance filled life. The power of Gary’s work goes far beyond the search for your own abundance – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website at www.manifestingyourlife.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Are You a Duck?
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
For far too many years I saw myself as unique. I can look back today and say that my uniqueness could well have been terminal.
Today, I accept that I am a duck. I have unique featuring and features so that when you see me you’ll know who I am, but I am a duck. On the surface I appear calm. Below the surface I may be relaxed, but often I am paddling like hell!
I’ve learned as a duck all I can do is be the best duck I can be. For years I saw myself as a majestic eagle, yet those who truly knew me knew what I was. I will never be an eagle.
Thought to Ponder . . .I am unique, just like everyone else.
To many, talk about ducks may seem silly. It did to me at first. Yet reflect upon it and you may discover that despite being unique, you are just like most of us.
Want to escape uniqueness before it becomes fatal or takes away more than you care to lose? Talk with another duck!
I am happy with the person I am today with my good points and my defects. I am the only one put together by my higher power in the form I am in, yet in the big picture I remain a duck. I have to tell you, after ACCEPTING this fact and getting to understand how successful ducks think and act, and getting to really know why I so desired to be an eagle, I am extremely happy to be just me.
Feel like freely kicking this around? Respond through this site or through www.hopeserenity.ca. A thought that merits your comment!
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? About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Brain Dump, or Brain Pump?
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
We’ve all felt emotionally drained, physically down, or even the opposite of those. We’ve felt on top of the world where we felt like nothing could stop us or hold us back. What if you knew the reason for the back and forth feeling of emotional and physical pendulum? You knew there had to be a reason, right?
If you could know why you were feeling physically down or emotionally drained, would you feel more empowered and take action to fix it? Definitely! Well, get ready to start taking action, because below are the reasons why most of us feel the way we do AND how we can turn our brains into the way we want to feel all the time.
The fact of the matter is we get ‘down’ sometimes because we lack stimulation. We lack it in all areas of our lives. If you compare our physical, mental and emotional output now to even 15 years ago, we’ve reduced efforts drastically. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.
With technology at our fingertips pointing at us every direction we go, there is no need for physical exertion or to even think as much as we used to. Everything is becoming ‘dumbed down’ and ‘comfort created’ we have become pampered to the point of pitiful. And all these luxuries and pampering are causing us to stay in – away from others – more than ever before. Never before have you been able to live in the midst of hundreds of people and not even know your next door neighbor’s name.
So, assuming you want to lift your spirits and feel better all the time – compared to how you feel most of the time – let’s look at some solutions.
Exercise Effects Your Brain
Now you may be saying, “No kidding! I’ve known that for years!”
Good! At least you’re willing to admit that it’s a fact. But you may not have realized that just recently scientist have learned that some form of regular exercise – or even just thinking about exercise my mentally practicing it – is beneficial on wife variety of daily activities.
Dr. V. Reggie Edgerton from the University of California at Los Angeles claims that research is showing that regular exercise is having a benefiting effect in how the brain functions. Research further shows, with regular exercise, the brains ability to reduce symptoms of depression.
Reading Effects Your Brain
In July 31, 2007 issue of Neurology Magazine, doctor’s mention a study that was performed by those would be considered less educated – academically – but, because of years of reading, they have helped their brains develop, what doctors call, a cognitive reserve. Cognitive reserve is a benefit to the individual from a health prospective and has also found to help shield people from the effects of certain kinds of brain injuries.
Being Friendly and Having Friends Effects Your Brain
If you interact on a personal level with others around you, chances are you’ll develop some solid relationships. Did you know, by doing this, you’re potentially protecting yourself from forms of dementia – including Alzheimers?
Dr. David A. Bennett headed a study, the first of its kind, to determine the relationship between social networks and Alzheimers disease pathology. Dr. Bennett stated, “Our findings suggests that social networks are related to something that offers a ‘protective reserve’ capacity that spares them the clinical manifestations of Alzheimer’s disease.”
All three of these examples are remarkable. They’re not theory. They’re clinical and scientifically valid. There’s your answer. There are three areas to work on to improve your quality of life.
Exercise, Reading and just being more social can:
1. improve your mood and energy
2. improve your overall health physically
3. improve and drastically protect you from mental diseases
This is just a few of the things that have recently been tested and discovered. Imagine what’s waiting out there that we haven’t even found out yet. One thing’s for sure. There will definitely be more benefits to our quality of life just from these three examples.
Now go read or run or something!
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Overcoming the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
I read somewhere that our families push our buttons because they put them there. Family relationships provide the best catalyst for personal growth because all our beliefs, attachments, feelings, needs, strengths, and limitations will be challenged.
“Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges and getting at the core of divinity within us.” Eknath Easwaran
Sometimes we’re afraid to connect with our kids or spouse because they may say something that triggers our guilt, sadness, or pain. Other times when we genuinely seek to connect, the other person perceives it as interrogation or therapy. Perhaps we dread having a difficult conversation because “it always ends up the same way”. This can be especially true for parents seeking divorce, enduring a stressful or transitional time, grieving from the death of a loved one, or becoming a parent after a significant painful event. Some of us worry that we’re “bad parents” or we don’t want to cause our children pain. Is it a fear, “maybe I won’t measure up to the latest parenting advice”? Is it a fear of not being able to be heard or effectively advocate for ourselves. Limiting beliefs can lead us to feel sensitive and want to defend ourselves.
Here are 10 tips to Overcome the Challenges of Connection in Family Relationships. This list is definitely not exhaustive. Continue to add to it by examining all the conditions that support connection so that you can do more of that every day.
1.
No one is perfect. Even the best parents, spouses, and communicators make mistakes. We all make mistakes even when we’re doing our best.
2.
You’ve already had so much success in your life. Begin to notice all the ways that you meet your needs. Look at what you’ve managed to accomplish so far! Whatever comes along, you can find the resources you need to solve any problem and manage any feeling.
3.
Sometimes all we need is to grieve a loss (e.g., separation, death, disappointment) with someone there to listen to us. That’s all.
4.
Whatever anyone says, don’t take it personally. Criticism is the expression of unmet needs and painful feelings. What we feel is our response to the world. The world doesn’t cause our pain. There are as many sides to a story as there are people perceiving the event. If you offer empathy and your spouse says (as mine did), “Don’t talk to me that way!” then perhaps he’s looking for reassurance of authentic connection and trust. Hear the needs, not the criticism, and you’ll likely get the connection you’re looking for.
5.
Many of us feel overwhelmed by painful feelings and want to make them go away. Feelings are our bodies way of informing us of our needs. The best way to meet our needs is to welcome and listen to our feelings without judgment. When you still find this difficult, seek the help of someone who is willing to witness and listen.
6.
Family life means change. Change involves grief. Grief involves feeling and integrating. Give yourself time to integrate new circumstances.
7.
Listen to your children even when what they say is hard to hear. Learn to feel comfortable living outside your comfort zone for awhile until you understand what’s at the heart of the matter. The initial discomfort will pass as you understand and integrate new information.
8.
Talk about things that are troubling you even when you feel uncomfortable. Most things left unspoken and hidden will cause conflict at some point.
9.
Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your kids or tell everyone what you think of so-and-so. Taking care of yourself and your needs is about discerning who to tell and when. If you’re having trouble with your spouse, talk with him or her directly after getting clear about what you’re feeling and needing. Speak with a trusted friend, coach, or therapist first so that you can articulate yourself clearly and advocate for you needs effectively.
10.
Laugh at yourself. When your kids call each other “stupid”, share times when you were stupid too. I can think of lots of times when I was stupid, lazy, smart, fast, slow…and none of those times defined who I am. Admit when you make mistakes, laugh, and do a “do-over”.
END.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., MFCC, is a Master Family Communications Coach with training in Psychology, Nonviolent Communication, Restorative Circles, Collaborative Divorce, Grief and Bereavement, Reiki, and teaching. Her hands-on experience in transforming her own childhood violence into love motivates her to support other parents to create extraordinary family relationships. You can learn how to value everyone’s needs and work together, without giving up…and without giving in. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca for your free newsletter, gift, or coaching consultation..
Learning to Concentrate and Focus
by Dr. Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C.
No matter who you are or what your occupation may be, you will need to learn how to concentrate and focus. You could be a student, or an office worker, or even someone involved in manual labor such as a construction worker but one thing is sure – you will need to devote time and energy to concentration and focus on your occupation.
But first of all, just what is concentration? Concentration is defined as deep mental application towards something. If you are concentrating on something, you devote all your attention to it.
So, what is the difference between concentration and focus?
Focus would be the level of concentration you practice at something. So you could be concentrating on something but perhaps not be focused on it. If you were really interested in that object or person, and devoted all of your concentration on it, it can be said that you are focused.
So how do you learn to focus (meaning you improve the level of your concentration)?
First, you have to accept that there are two types of individuals out there. You could be the type that has learned how to deal with frustration or you could be the type that has not. If you believe you are the former yet find it hard to finish the task you are working on – remember, you can still do more than what you believe you can do. This means really pushing yourself to develop mental stamina by going beyond the point of frustration. Just keep working despite the feeling that you want to give up and you will develop mental endurance.
Second, if you have a tendency to become scatterbrained, try bribing your mind. Do one task at a time but impose time limits – this will prevent your mind from focusing on other less important tasks.
Third, if you still can’t seem to focus, write down your concerns on a to-do list. This allows you to free some space in your mind for immediate concerns, rather than use your mind as a bulletin board.
Last, you have to fight the urge to procrastinate. If you have a task to do, and you want to postpone it, ask yourself: Should I do this? If I do it, will I keep worrying about it? If I postpone it, will it be easier to do later? By asking yourself those 3 key questions, you gain the motivation to mentally apply yourself towards finishing your goal.
for now,
Randin
END.
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? About the Author: Randin Brons, Ph.D., C.M.H., M.S.L.C., is the current Chief Learning Officer of Express Coaching™ and a working life coach. Randin specializes in working with individuals to regain a sense of control over their lives … dreams and future. The power of Randin’s work goes far beyond the search for your life purpose – the difference is in learning how to live by your own design. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.ajourneytojoy.com to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Conflict Exploration
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc.
Most people dread arguments and “silent treatments”. Conflict involves at least two people committed to their side of the story and are afraid that their needs won’t get met. Many people believe their only choices are to give up their power and stay silent, or fight. In either case, resolution isn’t happening. Instead, our energy is distracted by blaming, judging, and criticizing. If we choose to focus our thoughts on who’s right or wrong, we risk eroding trust and open communication. Hostility replaces goodwill and creativity. There are effective ways to find compassionate solutions to everyday challenges. There is a win-win solution that empowers us, maintains dignity, and creates more cooperation and respect with each other.
“Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right?” Wayne W. Dyer
Best Practices for Conflict Exploration in 4 Steps
Rather than focus on ‘resolution’, focus on ‘exploration’, learning, and understanding. When you choose that consciousness, you invite curiosity and creativity.
Step 1: Take a deep, calming breath or a break. Prepare yourself to understand by putting yourself into the other person’s story and ask lots of questions.
Step 2: Don’t take what anyone says or does personally.
Everything we do and say is an attempt to meet our needs. Try not to fix anything. Instead, explore the very important and valuable reasons we do the things we do. Imagine each story from a third person’s perspective.
Step 3: What is everyone’s story, how are you reacting to that, and what values are important to you about those stories? Understand and value everyone’s different perspectives. Make sure you are also understood and valued fully.
Step 4: When you both know that you understand each others’ points of view, you’ll notice a shift to lightness and resolution. When everyone has had their say and is fully heard and understood, allow everyone’s natural creative resources to co-create a mutually satisfying solution.
“The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us.”
“I’ve learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don’t hear what they think…only hearing what’s going on in their hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads.” Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.
If you are willing to explore conflict, hear everyone’s story and get to be heard too, the process of resolution looks pretty much the same although the end result is unknown from the beginning. Conflict can strengthen our relationships rather than pull them apart.
“The secret of life is three words: change through relationship.” J. Krishnamurti
“True wisdom is realizing that we know nothing and being open to discover, moment by moment.” Naomi Aldort.
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., is a Family Relationship Life Coach who specializes in Conflict Resolution, Communication Skills, and Collaborative Divorce for progressive parents who want to value all our needs no matter how old we are. You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit her website www.CompassionateSolutions.ca to find out how the gift of conflict can strengthen your relationships and enjoy a FREE Introductory Coaching Session and Consultation. Subscribe to her FREE newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now!
Cooperation
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
“Would you just do what I ask!?” Have you heard that before? I also hear about how uncooperative kids are and “If I could only get my kids to co-operate, then I’d be happy!”
When my parents used to tell me, “do what I say, not what I do”, I felt unsettled. Maybe, I felt confused. I can’t really remember. I do remember that I sometimes felt resentful and did what they said anyway just to get them off my backs and avoid punishment. Knowing now how much they loved me, I’m certain they wished I felt more joy. They didn’t know about partnership parenting. Instead, I’m sure they hoped to have power over me like many parents of their time. Today, I seek to invite everyone in my family to co-operate out of joy and contribution rather than resentment and avoidance.
So, I ask, what does “co-operate” mean?
co-operate: the act of working together, especially for mutual benefit
Co = together
Operate = to do something
If I demand that my children do what I say, without question, this is not inviting them to work together. There is no “co” in co-operate if I’m just telling my children what to do.
Recently, my oldest daughter expressed her dissatisfaction about cleaning up the bedroom “all by herself again”. Can you hear the long sigh? I could see that she wanted company and co-operation. I went in to the room and invited the other kids to help clean up. In a few minutes, the room was cleaned and we all had some fun while we did it.
Another time, I asked the kids to clean the living room while I cleaned the kitchen. One child asked me, “why should we clean up the living room when you’re not doing anything?” I checked in with him that co-operation was important. I shared with him what I was envisioning: that we were sharing the tasks of cleaning two rooms. I asked if he preferred to do the dishes and sweeping while I cleaned the living room and he said that he preferred to do the living room. The rooms were cleaned shortly afterwards with no hassle.
It would seem that cooperation is important for all of us. I think our children, like us, need reassurance from time to time that we’re not alone and that we’re here to help each other.
Sometimes, I specifically ask for obedience. When we’re heading out the door quickly or doing something that I don’t want to stop because it will impact other members of the family in ways we won’t enjoy, then I ask that we move forward and take the time to negotiate or talk about what needs are not met after there is obedience.
I don’t do this often. Maybe less than 5% of the time. Sometimes, we ask our children to do what we say for the sake of safety or ease. I’ve learned that kids raised in a home where partnerships are valued speak out when their needs are not met. This speaking out takes some adults off guard. Please do not mistake self-advocacy for being disrespectful or uncooperative. These children generally trust that their needs matter and when it really counts, we’ll be there to respect their needs as equal to our own. My older kids (7 and 10) understand now that group momentum and compliance is easier for all of us sometimes.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Imagine someone demanding that you be co-operative…which is short-hand for obedience. You may have a boss or teacher like that. You probably don’t enjoy it. Everyone needs choice and to matter. The same is true for children.
Frankly, if you want your children to be cooperative, then be co-operative. Children learn to co-operate by living with co-operative adults. Co-operation works both ways. Gandhi invited us to be the change we want to see in the world. “What we are teaches the child far more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.” Joseph Chilton Pearce.
Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson in Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids writes this about using power-over with children: “Parents with this orientation spend a lot of their time lecturing, advising, arguing, analyzing, and, in what ever ways, trying to manage the behavior of their children to fit a set of expectations they accept as the right and only way to do things…using phrases like you have to, you must, you ought to, and you should.”
If you want parenting to be easier, don’t spend one minute trying to make your children do what you think they should do. Aim for co-operation instead. People will follow through with agreements if they are do-able and they are motivated. We can’t motivate people. Motivation comes from within. What we can do is figure out what will motivate people to keep their commitments and do that.
What do you notice when you or someone you know spends their time policing their kids to be sure they’re doing what they’re told?
What does co-operation look like for you? Name one thing you can do this week to put “co” into co-operation?
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C. is a Certified Family Communications Coach. She supports compassionate communication, conflict resolution for all ages, and Collaborative Divorce. If you think your kids or partner are driving you nuts, then visit www.CompassionateSolutions.ca, sign up for your free newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now! Wendy offers a free preview Coaching and Consultation Session for new clients and regular group coaching calls.
Are You a Cowboy or Indian? Cop or Robber?
by Keith Bray, B.A., C.A.L.C.
When ever I go to a meeting and keep my ears open, I hear good and memorable stuff that make me remember and keep me humble.
I’m sure it’s not politically correct to talk about indigenous people as “Indians”, but fact of the matter, when I was a kid, we played cowboys and Indians. If it sounds better, then call it cops and robbers.
I heard someone today say that as a young person, he always played a cowboy but really knew inside he was an Indian.
Man, can I relate.
The next generation I think called it L-O-S-E-R.
No matter the handle, I grew up always feeling inside that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t belong. I always wanted to be the hero, but never cut it in my own head. Through a great journey full of great people-mentors, coaches, family, friends and groups- I transformed into a cowboy that I respect.
I have the pleasure of working with people both locally and on a global basis and watch them, through the unleashing of the power within them, turn into cowboys-whether it is in dealing with addictions, setting and reaching goals, building relationships or finding life purpose and awakening spiritually.
It’s great to be able to finally live your dream, and know you are doing what you were meant to do.
So are you ready to be a cowboy, the true and great person you were really intended to be?
Take that first step and allow yourself a BIG life!
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? About the Author: Keith Bray holds an undergraduate degree from UWO and is a Certified Addictions Life Coach. Mr. Bray has an extensive business background and currently is working with others through his coaching practices, “Coached To Success” and “Hope & Serenity.” You can contact the author through our corporate email: rhema-int@shaw.ca. Visit his website www.hopeserenity.ca to find out more about his unique gift and work.
Curiosity Transforms Fear
by Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C.
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein
Watch a child examine a bug for the first time. What do you see?
Wide eyes looking closely, touching, tasting, and asking “what’s that?” or “what does it do?”
Curiosity is an emotion growing out of a need for exploration, investigation, and learning. We see it in many animals including humans. It’s an alert, energized state we experience when we want to learn more about something.
Curiosity is stimulated by something new, a puzzle, a riddle, a provocative question, and a desire to understand.
In that moment, nothing else matters but connection and understanding.
When that happens to me, I feel secure, playful, creative, energized, and fascinated. Do you?
Curiosity is easy when we experience something interesting and something we enjoy. What about those times when we don’t enjoy what we’re hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling, or even thinking about? Without curiosity, we can feel frustrated, dreadful, angry, afraid, or insecure. I learned that our left mind analyzes the past, is fearful of the future, and has a tendency to be redundant. When we are judging right from wrong, analyzing, and making sense of the world, it is our left mind that is helping us out.
Curiosity, on the other hand, is a matter of attitude and choice. When we are curious, our right brain is engaged. Our right mind is adventurous, celebrates abundance, and brings new insights when old beliefs and behaviours no longer serve us.
Hard to believe? I used to think so too.
Then I learned that if I choose curiosity and understanding, I could change the way I responded, inviting others to feel curious too, and create new solutions that moved me past fear and anger. The more I do that, the more I want to learn ways to do it more!
I have learned that it’s easier to do when I’m rested and have focused attention. When is it easier for you to feel creative and curious?
“I define responsibility (response-ability) as the ability to choose how we respond to stimulation coming in through our sensory systems at any moment in time. Although there are certain limbic system (emotional) programs that can be triggered automatically, it takes less than 90 seconds for one of these programs to be triggered, surge through our body, and then be completely flushed out of our blood stream…Once triggered, the chemical release by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.” …“We have the power to chose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world.” Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.
Here’s your challenge for this week: What would it take for you to feel curious and playful about yourself, your world, and the people around you?
How would you shift to a state of curiosity in the face of discomfort, fear, or anger? Imagine talking to your left and right brains. What would each say?
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? About the Author: Wendy McDonnell, Hons.B.Sc., C.F.C.C. is a Certified Family Communications Coach. She supports compassionate communication, conflict resolution for all ages, and Collaborative Divorce. If you think your kids or partner are driving you nuts, then visit www.CompassionateSolutions.ca, sign up for your free newsletter and receive your gift: 10 Simple Actions you can do today to bring more peace into your life now! Wendy offers a free preview Coaching and Consultation Session for new clients and regular group coaching calls.
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